What To Do About Mother?

What To Do About Mother? This business of trying to figure out what to do with, or about, or for my mother seems to have a never-ending series of twists and turns. First (just a month ago), she was in her own home, living with her dog. She totally refused any in-home care. Her house was quite dirty, and she was not eating well. Losing weight. Angry all the time. Next, she developed a very bad cough, and confusion. In the hospital for 12 days, got weaker, unable to walk. Cough improved. Confusion mostly (but not entirely) cleared up. Moved to "skilled nursing facility." She hates it. I would hate it, too; nearly all the other residents are totally incapable of coherent conversation. Most of them bellow or moan, or are totally silent. But now she is up and walking, with a walker. She wants to go home, but it's obvious that she still won't accept in-home care. And, she's delusional.

Now: I am trying to get her moved into an appropriate facility. The facility she is now at has "assisted living" apartments, but they have decided that my mother is too much trouble (she is very demanding, sometimes paranoid, and argues with people a lot), and they will not offer her a place. They have no advice whatsoever to offer me as to where I might turn. I have never once spoken to her "physician," who (according to the nursing staff) "zips in and out" of the nursing home. Everyone else just shrugs their shoulders. I have asked for a neuropsych evaluation, but my mother refused to talk with the psychologist who was asked to come in.

I was initially relieved to find an internet-based referral service that offered to direct me to facilities that might be appropriate for my mother. But, as it turns out, the places they referred me to are all extremely expensive, profit-driven corporate entities. And they operate in the nearly unregulated area of "assisted living." I went to visit one of them yesterday. It was stunningly beautiful, staggeringly expensive, and (when you research the corporation, online) it is also a major target for complaints by consumers, and its own employees. I looked at another (much smaller) facility, also. It is nearly brand-new, no time yet to have developed any kind of reputation or track record. Also, incredibly expensive (these places generally cost upwards from around $6,000 a month). At the smaller place, my mother would be locked into a very nice house (she could go out into the fenced back yard) with 4 or 5 other old people, and 2 or 3 staff people (including one RN) most of the day, and a CNA at night.

And then I talked on the phone with a nurse in another state (long story) who said that I really must get a 6-8 hour independent assessment of my mother, by a nurse. But where would I find such a nurse?

I ended the day yesterday more confused than ever, not knowing where to turn, once again feeling pretty hopeless... and then, I did EVEN MORE searching around online (this has practically consumed my whole life, for the last month), and found the National Assoc. of Professional Geriatric Care Managers (click here), which says this about itself:

"Professional Geriatric Care Managers (PGCMs) are health and human services specialists who help families care for older relatives, while encouraging as much independence as possible. The PGCM may be trained in any of a number of fields related to long-term care, including, but not limited to, nursing, gerontology, social work, or psychology, with a specialized focus on issues related to aging and elder care. The PGCM acts as a guide and advocate -- identifying problems and offering solutions."

I went to the directory on the NAPGCM website, and found that there are 6 or 8 of its members near me, several of them affiliated with a Catholic hospital that also has long-term care facilities. I am working on getting into contact with these folks, right now.

So, forget what I said in an earlier post about the online facility referral place. It isn't necessarily such a good thing.

Above, there's a fairly recent picture of my mother. It was probably taken 4 years ago, when she was 84 years old: she doesn't look all that different, today, just past 88 years old. Yesterday I spent most of the day working on this project of trying to find a way to safely get her out of the nursing home and into a good facility... and I did her laundry, and then went and picked up dinner for both of us, and took it to the nursing home. We sat outside on the patio and ate (really good barbecue sandwiches). She absolutely hated her dinner, and was bitterly angry with me because I had not brought her a steak (cooked rare), and because she thinks I am stealing her money. I feel like telling her that I don't have time to be stealing her money...