I saw a review, in the NYT, of a TV documentary, "Caring for Your Parents." One physician, John Murphy, was quoted as saying that "the single most important variable to never spending time in a nursing home is having a daughter." And of course that tore at my heart... I am a daughter! Why can't (or won't) I just take care of my own mother, in my own home, like I ought to? Certainly, that is what my mother expects of me, and has always expected of me. She has always demanded that I be at her beck and call, at the drop of a hat. She has been perfectly capable of hiring caregivers, drivers, housekeepers, but unwilling to do so (perhaps knowing that they would not put up with the abuse she routinely dishes out)... But the review also notes some unpleasant facts that are often disregarded in these chirpy, upbeat TV shows:
“Caring for Your Parents” examines a handful of families... who have turned their lives over to the physical and emotional needs of elderly parents. The sense of devotion that [these caregivers display] display, the idea that whatever compromises they are making are intrinsically worth it, permeates the film and hampers it, creating a world in which all men and women behave honorably and admirably.In each case study the camera lingers on the images of the elderly when they were young and happy, the presumption being that all the parents we’re seeing gave their children lives rich and full. No one resembles the ornery and selfish patriarch of “The Savages,” the recent fictional film that regarded the same subject with more complexity and skepticism, examining how grown children respond when they are obliged to care for parents who failed (spectacularly) to care for them. “Caring For Your Parents” leaves the impression that we all love our mothers and fathers without ambivalence or reservation... "
It turns out that in this TV documentary, Dr. Murphy (who made the comment about daughters) "is in the employ of an affluent 65-year-old woman... who cares for her 91-year-old mother... with a staff of seven rotating aides at a cost of $250,000 annually. Dr. Murphy oversees [the mother's] medical care and meets regularly with the aides as if he were a corporate leader running a project... "
In the NYT "New Old Age" blog, I found this heart-rending comment from "Eliza":
"My aunt is belligerent, loud, uncooperative, demanding, and mean in her dementia. When she was in the hospital for a broken hip, the nurses continually called my uncle, very frail himself, in to control her so often that he nearly died from exhaustion. They didn’t hesitate for a minute to demand that he come in 24/7, even though he was visibly weak from cancer treatment.Nursing homes reject her because they can’t handle her.
Now what? Rejected by the experts, this difficult, dangerous woman is supposed to be successfully cared for at home?
Our medical community is geared to take care of the frail and cooperative dementia patient. The families who really need the help are being rejected."
My mother has been rejected by two assisted-living facilities, so far. In the nursing home that she's now in (hating every minute of it), she has been "difficult." She has used foul language, she regularly refuses her meds, she won't eat dinner in the dining room, and she has hauled off and hit some of the staff members. When I go to visit her, the "visit" usually consists entirely of her demands that I take her home, and her bitter accusations against me and the nursing home staff (and I am convinced that they are very good with her). And the history section in her chart reveals (to anyone who is making decisions about her) that she has a long history of firing her doctors, and getting into arguments with her neighbors. All of this is quite heartbreaking, and also totally beyond my influence or control. She has always been "difficult," but now she is demented and difficult.
So here is another thing I have recently learned about this whole business of taking care of the elderly parent: getting them placed into a good facility is sort of like selling a house. You really have to clean them up nicely and market them effectively. But, in the case of elderly people, the "sale" is never final; if a care facility takes in an old person, but then finds that s/he is too much trouble (they will say: "we cannot meet her needs"), then they will either call you and tell you to come and get her, or they will over-medicate and neglect her. I found that I was not able to do this "marketing" of my mother effectively, by myself. So, I have retained a professional care management person, and I have temporarily taken my mother "off the market." The care manager person I found is a nurse, and she is very experienced in this field. She knows which doctors are best at which areas of elder care; and she knows the directors of all the elder care facilities. She has gotten my mother an appointment, next week, with a neurologist who specializes in dementia and other disorders of old people. She hopes that she will be able to get an accurate picture of what is really going on with my mother, and (we hope) some changes in her medications that might help with some of these "behavioral issues." We'll see. I am cautiously hopeful.
Here's a picture of me when I was a little girl, 3 years old. My mother and I were visiting her parents (her mother was a lot like she is, now; her father was very stern and distant). We were all out on my grandfather's boat, on the St. John's River. The adults are enjoying their evening cocktails. I think I look a bit like "Fluffy/Zuul" in the LOL Cats photo just below (yesterday's post).
103 comments:
I have been searching for answers or some kind of help with my Mom. She sounds exactly like yours. She's in her own place right now, but the nurse who visits her is strongly suggesting we seek "assisted living" arrangements. She's already burned herself really bad on the stove and does not walk with a steady gait. Just this morning she's turned away a physical therapist. I just got the call at work. And she will not even talk to me about the assisted living. How do you get them to go? I do not know what to do.
What interesting points you make!!
Your experience sounds similar to mine. No, I don't want my mother in my life to continue being as desctructive as she always has been.
But what we have discovered in recent years is that she has always suffered with higher functioning autism.
It's extremely hard to get people to understand that her 'difficult' (ornery!) reactions are biological not psychological and therefore cannot change unless the environment changes and makes the world, as experienced by her, much safer. How do you make a frightened wild animal feel safe? How would you tame a wild rabbit?
It's not a formal diagnosis but the similarities with my son - who does have a formal diagnosis - well, they're like two peas in a pod.
http://astryngia.blogspot.com/
O.K. It's nice to know we're not alone, but now what??? We need help none of us can find!
Anon, my breakthrough, with my mother, came when I hired an independent geriatric care manager. She found a competent neurologist who (after I had been struggling with this for months) did a proper assessment, and diagnosed dementia. She also helped me get a group of in-home caregivers together, in an effort to get Mother back into her own house. When that didn't work out, she helped me with two subsequent hospitalizations, and then helped me get Mother placed in a very good small-group facility for patients with dementia.
The problem, of course, is that not everyone can find a geriatric care manager like the one we have, and not everyone can afford to hire one.
After all we have been through, Mother and I, my opinion of geriatric medical care in the USA is that it is inexcusably poor.
My 86 yr, old mother and I have had an unhealthy co-dependent relationship all my adult life. She resents my extroverted ,sociable personality and ease with people and is always trying to "dim my light" to brighten hers. We are at the point now, as she is reaching the stage of frailty and dementia, that she is suspicious and toxic with respect to everything I do for her, She would not be in my life at all if I didn't feel this daughterly obligation. Her refusal to integrate with residents in her retirement home puts the onus on me for all her needs and it's wearing me out. This experience is teaching me how NOT to persecute your family when you get old and to try to enjoy the days you have left.
I'm a 57 yr. old former high school teacher and I need a break!! I forgot to mention that I have a 59 yr. old brother living in Austin Texas who visits 2 days a year but is the apple of her eye....
Brenda, I feel for you. It's a terrible strain. I suppose my best suggestion for you would be to go ahead and take a break. Let her sink or swim, at least to some extent. The more I have "backed off" from allowing my mother to use me as a person to complain to, to blame, to order around... the more I realize that she is really doing OK in her facility, when I am not around. It is mostly when I show up that she shows her bitter, nasty personality.
Wow my 81 year old father sounds a lot like the folks mentioned in this string. He is 81, is very forgetful but has not "formerly" been diagnosed with dementia but we all know it's there. He showers twice a month maybe, and everyday just "bird baths in the sink". His clothes are all from a thrift shop, and he dresses in rags. he has 3 stents in his heart, partially his fault for not taking his lipitor when he thought it was a weight loss pill and it wasn't working... He has threatened the neighbor to punch him out because the neighbor lit up a cigarette on the outside porch. Finally I took the reigns and told him about elder services, that they would clean his house (which desperately needs it as dad misses the bowl a lot now), bring him food, and send in a visiting nurse once a week. He agreed that this was a fantastic idea. When I called him and said they were coming down for an interview, he declined and said he didn't want "those people" in his house. So, I don't have transportation to get over there right now, and even if i did, I do not feel i should have to clean his filthy bathroom when i had people to do that and he refused on it (and made me look like an idiot to elder services). Meanwhile, he has willed his estate and all that he owns to my older, lazy, sister that is a nurse that may call him once every two-three months. But she is the favorite. He calls constantly to see if I will go hang out with him, but I decline. He is mentally abusive as he can no longer be physically abusive, and just plain difficult. I guess all I can do is take phone calls and try to be supportive. I am bipolar myslef and he caused me to have a breakdown once and land in the psych hospital for two weeks. Any support is appreciated here.
Boy it sound like we all live in the same family. My dad died less than a year ago, his headstone is going up soon, I have not had time to mourn him because my mother broke two hips within 6 months, became dependent on me and is now in a rehab home. She constantly complains, and orders me around. She tells everyone that I am a pain the neck. The rehab facility didn't tend promptly to an eye with a discharge and she wound up being blind in one eye. They compounded the problem for me and now I have to accompany her to two eye specialists more than one time a week and are at the beck and call of the ambulette service, who has sent drivers to pick her up....drunk as skunks!!!!
She knows how to act nice when she wants to but overall is not pleasant to be around. I am buying a book about how to set boundries with elderly, difficult parents. I need to know how to keep my health, since I have a wonderful husband and 13 year old son. God has to have a reason for letting my mom experience such pain and suffering. My guess, is that He is cleansing her soul for all the years her selfish behavior led to the pain of other people, such as my dad, my brother and me. God's message to me is to do the right thing to the best of my ability, but the suffering is not meant for me, its for her soul.
To the two recent anonymous posters, just above: you have my complete sympathy. I am glad you are looking for resources and support online; I did that, too, and it helped. The situation doesn't necessarily change for the better, but over time I am gradually beginning to manage my own emotional responses a bit better. It doesn't happen overnight. Once in a while, my mother actually thanks me for all I have done for her over the past year or so, and I hang onto those few words.
Everything sounds so similar to my 81 yr old mother-in-law. She pits her children against each other for as long as I could remember, just to benefit herself.
Now, she's old and frail, with dementia... but still as difficult. We've considered to put her in a home but turned down the idea knowing that they'll most likely reject her. She's still very strong when she wishes sto be, able to yell at people with a commanding voice when she deems fit. She's been absolutely aggressive to her other son-in-law's father and also to my father. I'm keeping her away from my parents.
For now, we have a live-in maid to care for her in her apartment. Once her contract expires in less than 2 years, we really do not know what to do as she refuses to live with any of us.
Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear of this, I certainly understand your frustration. For now, though, it sounds like a bit of a miracle that you and she have a live-in maid who has stuck it out through all this. Maybe it's for the best that she does not want to live with anyone in the family? I do know that none of the choices sound good, in these situations. Sometimes we shoot for the least bad of many unattractive options...
Best wishes to you.
How lucky I feel to have found this blog. I recently had to have my 98 year old mother admitted to a nursing home following a fall that landed her in the emergency room at the hospital. My mother is extremely narcissistic and bordering sociopath. She was an awful person as back as I can remember, and my childhood was anything but a happy one because of her. Now, in my mid 60’s, I’m the only one of her three children to be there for her. My siblings claim to be either too ill or to poor to even visit. She hasn’t seen either of them in over 12 years. I’m totally stressed out, and emotionally drained as her care taker. I’ve spent over two months at her side in the nursing home, while also trying to dismantle her assisted living apartment, which she cannot return to. As it is costing over two thousand a month just in rent, it’s essential we vacate it as soon as possible. Her money is running out quickly, now, and she will eventually need to apply for Medicaid to stay in the nursing home. She won’t accept this and thinks she will be able to go back to her former apartment when she’s physically able to. The truth is she wasn’t able to live alone prior to the fall. She could barely walk or get around on her own and really could no longer take care of herself. Of course, she denies this, and blames me for her current living arrangement. Actually, the care she receives at the facility she is living in is a lot better than I had expected of a nursing facility. Still, I’m trying to get over the guilt that she’s giving me for “doing this to her.” I’m trying not to own this guilt because I know I am doing the best I can do for her, under the circumstances.
Anonymous, your story sounds a lot like mine, in several ways. I totally understand the guilt feelings, and the enormous difficulty of dealing with those feelings. I found that meditation practice ("mindfulness") helped me enormously with that. I learned to notice the feelings, to be compassionately aware of them, without dwelling on them, taking them too seriously, and making them worse. It's a whole lot better than trying to eradicate the feelings, which tends to backfire. And certainly, just knowing that those feelings are "irrational" (emotions, of course, do not respond to a requirement that they be reasonable) does not make them go away...
best wishes,
Delany
Thanks Delany. I think I need to try this. I've heard about mindfull meditation, but I don't know much about it. I'll be sure to look into it.
BB
Well, reading about everyone's situation comforts me a little. My father passed away in early May and my mom, although she is healthy, refuses to do anything for herself. She always wants me to take her places and pick up this and that for her. I am an only child so all this burden falls on me. I work full time, working on a PhD. and have a husband and a daughter. She is, like others have said, sucking the life out of me and running me ragged. I spend a lot of time refusing to do every whim and wish and my dad, rest his soul, simply gave into her to stop the arguing. I feel guilty sometimes for nothing and even when I do things for her, they are never good enough. I really could use a break from her already. Of course, if I go somewhere, she thinks she should go too. No real sense of boundaries for this woman. She talks a lot about her own grieving process, but never has asked how I am doing with my dad's death. Very narcissistic.
Hi,
Interesting to read all your comments. I have 68 year old mother, she is mostly healthy, but does need to take some medications regularly, like coumadin and maintain her diet, which she absolutely hates. She speaks poor English and I'm the one who takes her to doctors. She always complains that I am either not letting her speak English or I don't translate well, though she does not always understand what doctors are saying or is not able to explain herself. She probably feels powerless in this country, and I feel for her, but sometimes I just feel she does not give much credit to everything I try to do for you. Her main thing is that she needs to be needed, and as adult children (I have not very supportive brother) we don't necessarily need her, we would like her to hand out in our houses, but we can't pay attention to her, every minute. She resents us for that and I am getting tired of coming up with projects for her. I recently had a newborn daughter and mom does help with her care, which keeps her mind away from her problems, at the same time it's more difficult for me because she criticizes everything I do with my daughter, making it really difficult to accept her help. anyway sorry this is kind of longer than I expected, but it's just accumulating in my mind and making it difficult
I am at a lose as how to help my 76 year old Mother-in-law. She lives alone, she is unable to walk two steps without falling down but will not use her cane or keep her life alert around her neck or take the medication the doctor prescribed to help with her dizziness. She will no longer go outside her home because she is afraid of falling down. She lays on the couch in the dark all day long. My husband and I take her to the store and her doctor's appointments. We buy her groceries because she tells us that she doesn't have any money but then she will give other family members, who refuse to work money when we know they are using it for their drug habits. They refuse to help her. She refuses to listen to any suggestions or help we try to give. We don't know what to do. Tho
I am very glad to have found this website.
My mother is 90, lives alone in a huge townhouse, refuses help. She finally relented to purchasing a chairlift for getting up/down her first and second floors. But the house is still to big for her (three stories,6 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths).
I urged her to consider living with me. I have a townhouse, too, but smaller, just 2 stories. I could put in a chairlift for her. We live 8 blocks from each other. It's not like she'd be leaving her
familiar surroundings, we are in the same general neighborhood. But she won't budge.
So, I do what I can. She does not have dementia, but she is extremely stubborn and
I am constantly criticized by her for my efforts to help her, sometimes it brings me to tears. She has another daughter, 40 miles away, who she will not "fight" with. Recently, my mother needed to go to the hospital for an x-ray and I
went to her house to drive her to the hospital.
She refused to go with me, I had to call an understanding cousin to try to talk my mother into going with me. It failed. I then had to call her doctor to do same. In the end, 5 hours later, my mother went to the hospital..her other daughter took her, driving 40 miles to get here
when I was just 8 blocks away, ready and able to take her for her x-ray in no time. This is an example of how difficult and stubborn my mother is when I interact with her. (Next time, I will call 911 and have an ambulance meet me at her house, rather than deal with her "fighting" me.
I won't put myself through this anymore.)
I am 58, a school teacher, 4 years from retirement. I will never put my own grown daughter through this, should I evolve to be
a "stubborn old lady"..I'm going into a 55 plus
living arrangement on my own, upon retirement..
and way, way out of state. Mom's welcome to come along if she's still with us..but I don't expect her to budge from that townhouse. I can only hope for the best for her. I can't do a thing to change her stubbornness or her critical ways toward me, I've realized this.
Thank you for this website, it is a great support system.
The common thread here seems to that no one ever just gives up. My 95 year old mother has been toxic since I was a child, going from damaging comments to begging for forgiveness each time. She demands to go home from an assisted living facility but refuses help at home. She has the money for either living situation. Here house and clothes are dirty though from a distance neat.
I have gone through 62 years of this and am ready to just say goodbye - do what you want since you are so independent. I no longer need the stress or even the potential inheritance.
Has anyone ever just given up and divorced dear old toxic mom? Is it possible to love someone you really don't like very much?
Comments and suggestions are welcome.
John
I'm also experiencing difficulities with my 82 year old father who is currently in assisted living and works against me every step of the way. He's never been or will be happy about anything. He's the biggest stressor in my life, even more so than having cancer and gone thru chemo. Even thru that, he thought he should have come first. That's a great question from John -- is it possible to love someone you really don't like very much?
Nancy
To all the Anon's recently posted, and John and Nancy: There is always the question, in these situations, isn't there... Can't I just walk away from this ridiculously painful burden? I have had that question rise up in my own mind, over and over, for more years than I wish to say. And in many ways, the situation has only gotten worse, over the years.
I would never judge or criticize someone from walking away from a situation that is hopeless, one in which all one's efforts are to no avail. Now that I have my own mother in a very good facility, I suppose I am more free to just let all the rest of it go (the visits, the phone calls, taking her to miscellaneous trips to doctors, when I could hire others to do that), but as yet I have not done that.
My own conclusion has been that I would not be able to live with myself if I stopped visiting my mother, while she still knows who I am and wants me to visit. Perhaps if she had other family members nearby, I would see it differently... but probably not. I don't think of my own reason for deciding this way as being an admirable, or positive quality or character trait; I suppose it could be equally well labelled as a weakness (because there is this ongoing toxic presence in my life).
My task is really to engage in the work of acceptance with regard to my own decision about this. To cultivate compassion both for myself, and for my mother, who is bitter, angry, frightened... and (occasionally) charming, witty, and grateful for what I do for her.
Nancy, John, I think the answer is yes, it is certainly possible to love someone that we do not like very much; and it happens more often than we know. Love and duty/obligation are inextricably intertwined. Blood really is thicker than water, I have found.
Best wishes to you all.
Delany
I wish I would have read this several months ago and maybe I would have realized some things. I am now taking care of my mother again for the second time in my life. I grew up taking care of my mother who is a quad until I was 11 at which time I was taken from the home for emotional abuse. Now at the age of 32 I am taking care of her again and it's hard. Esp given that I have two children one of whom as bipolar and aspergers. She is not exactly rude but uses manipulation and disregards any rules I have set for my children. I realize that I have many unresolved issues with my mother and on top of that she does not respect me or others. No one helped me as a young child with mom and most of the family said that was because you just never could do anything right for her. It's a hard situation that I myself have gotten into. I applaud you for figuring out before getting into the situation.
I can only say that we are all torn by the bond from our early memories of the parent/child relationship. As our parents age and fail, they often become mean and sometimes impossible. Yes, I think you can love a parent that you do not like very much. The love is from the past.... not the person they are now. It is hard to like the person theyhave become sometimes, isn't it? Boy, it really hurts -- I often feel I have to keep enduring demands and irrational behaviour and sometimes nastyness or give up -- detach. I don't think our hearts are programmed to detatch from the person who nurtured you since childhood. God bless this website, we need to all support each other.
Thanks Delany -- this site has been helpful with putting things into perspective and seeing that one is not alone in dealing with the care of elderly parents. It's all part of life, not always one of the more pleasant experiences unfortunately, but part of it. Thanks for the support.
Nancy
My mother is elderly and lives alone.
My brother, the child she loved, died recently. I am the only person that mom has to manipulate or try to.
Mom is very self-centered and could care less about what I may have going on in my life.
Though the travel is difficult for me, she expects me to accompany her to every doctor visit even though she is capable of going on her own. She wants me to grocery shop for her yet she goes shopping for three to four hours almost every day. She wants me to clean her house; put out her trash and do other chores. I have health problems and the physical and emotional stress that she is putting on me is making them worse. She has never respected me and is not about to start now it seems.
When my brother died I suggested that she move in with us. She refused saying that we didn't get along. She did not think that my home was conducive to her needs and I can't buy another one to suit her.
When she begins making demands and manipulating me, visions of my childhood run through my mind. She was a mean and uncaring person. She never wanted to spend a dime on my needs. I was very deprived. I rarely was given Christmas or birthday gifts. She criticised me and everything I did. She treated my brother much better.
Her demands and manipulation brings this all back making it difficult to be around her. I am setting bounderies out of necessity. She had me so upset last week that when I went to the doctor my blood pressure was way up and it's usually on the low side. I don't want to have a stroke.
I told her that I will be willing to do what is truly necessary but I am not willing to just do her bidding. I will accompany her to medical visits when my schedule is consulted in advance and there is a need for me to be there. However, if she is able to shop for hours on most days, she does not need a personal shopper or grocery delivery person when she decides she wants one. If she wants her house cleaned, she can hire someone. That's what people do and she can certainly afford this. We do stop by and carry out her trash. She does have someone who does her outdoor work. She'd prefer that my husband do this but he can barely do our own. She feels entitled to be waited upon.
If she can't be independent, she needs to consider a different living arrangement because I cannot allow myself to be run ragged. I live far enough from her that it is not possible to just run over there all of the time. It just does not occur to her that I may have a life and responsibilities of my own. But then she has never considered my needs so why start now. I have to consider my own needs.
I feel angry and put upon. I do not feel guilty. I do not feel as though I owe her anything and I don't appreciate being manipulated.
I think to suggest you have a daughter so she can look after you in old age is a complete outrage and totally short sighted. I don't think you should expect or demand your children to look after you, they have their own lives and elderly people need to realize that.
I really feel an emotional release just reading all of these blogs. I am struggling with my 88 year old mother. She has always been a negative, rather unsocial lady - aging has been an interesting journey for her. My Dad is just the oposite, although allows her to make the decisions. They live in a nice retirement home with wonderful ameneties. I visit several times/week. I want to be supportive to both of them, although they do not drive anymore and refuse to come over to my house this Thanksgiving where all my children will be. We have offered to give them a ride and let them stay only until they get tired. I am very sad, also, because Mom didn't come to my daughter's wedding this June, for the same reason. I will keep trying, and may have to resign myself from thinking about it anymore. I have learned to be much more thankful and tolerable through this experience - I only wish the same for my Mom.
My 62 yr old has suffered 2 strokes and now has many cognitive issues. Physically she is doing well, so begins the struggle. Last week assaulted a nurse at her care home, then taken by ambulance to the ER. Assaulted a nurse at the ER and "escaped" from the hospital. Police found her nearly a mile away, handcuffed her, placed her in the back of the car and took her back to the hospital. She has no money for care, we are trying to get her on state/federal assistance.....but now we do not know if we will be able to find a place that will "accept" her. My fear is the only place left will be a mental hospital where she will be placed on drugs and not well cared for. I am in my 30's, live 2+ hrs away and have 2 small kids of my own, in additiona I am a recent cancer survivor so have my own health to worry about. I am so frustrated that there is not more help or guidance for families and their elderly.
Have to agree with everyone. As they get older, they get more difficult, if that is possible. My motherinlaw in 86, no physical ailments, but has severe depression and dementia and plays on it to her benefit. She throws the guilt around pretty good. I feel for her daughter that has bent over to do whatever to make her happy. I have come to the conclusion no matter what anyone does it is not good enough, she will never be happy. She is a spoiled brat and wants it her way on her terms. She is in assisted living and demands alot of services as if she is in a hotel resort. Finally they saw her game and have stopped accommodating her. She refuses to come down for meals, wants them sent up to her room. She refuses to join in any activities and criticizes the few women that she regards as friends. I don't know what will make her happy, other than doing what she wants which is being with her and entertaining her 24/7. She is warm and has 3 meals prepared for her if she chooses. Other than that she is going to have to make it work. She is not going to ruin my marriage, and suck the life out of me. There comes a time you have to be the adult and put your foot down and say NO. She sees a psychiatrist, which I don't think he can do anymore for her. How can you change a bitter, difficult person? She wants it her way. My fatherinlaw spoiled her to avoid arguments. Her kids did the same. So the problem will never go away as she knows she will get her way. But I think we are all tired of the game she plays and eventually she is going to be alone as we are tired of the million phone calls, and visiting her and listening to her negative comments. It is no longer a joy to be around her, which is sad.
To each of you who have commented: I must say I am a bit amazed that this blog entry of mine has received far more comments than any other. I have mixed feelings about that, of course. I am sad to read about these situations, and to know that so many are experiencing the pain and frustration involved, especially since it is generally understood that one must never speak ill of the elderly. The assumption that we all had and have parents (especially true for mothers) who took good care of us, and who have some capacity for compassion, understanding of the needs of others, is quite difficult to resist. If our situation is or was otherwise, we all know it's best not to talk about it.
On a more positive note, some of you have noted that it has been helpful to read the stories of others, to know that you are not alone. About that, I am pleased.
If you are caring for your elderly parent, or other, I think the most important thing to remember is you. Remember, you're not only looking after them but also yourself (and most likely your own family too among other things). If you run yourself into the ground, then you won't be any good for anyone, including your own family. Two years ago, I started caring for my elderly mother and let myself get so run down running around and doing everything she asked, I got really sick. At the end of the day, I only had myself to blame since I didn't take the initiative to take control; I gave her all the control because I didn't know any better at the time. It is hard when it's your own mother and you do find it hard to 'become the parent' yourself, but inevitably you will probably have to. She may end up hating you but in my case she is well cared for even though she doesn't realize it anymore.
My mother is 88 and is getting extremely frail but is not demented. I am a single 50+ year old woman who has literally put my life on hold for the past 5 years to help her. I moved out of my manageable 2 BR townhome into an older ranch home that needed work to be closer to her. Owning this type of home which has water problems in the basement and a large yard has disrupted my finances as well as my wellbeing. I work full time and commute, putting in a 10 hour day or more sometimes. I spend every Saturday taking her out. The problem is that my younger sister does absolutely nothing to help me. She lives a charmed life about 3 hours away and treats me like a servant. My mother has become very ingratiating towards her because she recently gave birth to my mother's only grandchildren. My mother and I used to get along pretty well but since the grandkids came along, I've found that I'm increasingly unable to tolerate her and my sister's difficult, selfish ways and I'm getting more and more irritable by the day. My mother has her head in the sand about my sister and that hurts me tremendously. I've put my life on hold for her and yet she values my sister more than me because my sister gave her grandkids. It is a real lesson in humiliation. I try to swallow my pain every day and keep trudging along. Mostly I have a very strong faith and am trying to the right thing but it's hard. Many nights I go to sleep crying.
My sense of responsibility smacks of self-righteousness, I fear. Hubris. I am going to be a saint... Morally, is it truly in my elderly father and more elderly aunt's best interests to be waited on literally at the expense of my life? At my age, 60, neither of them did anything of the kind for anyone. My father was a reasonably good provider but an emotional abuser when he was psychically present at all. Although I have great affection for him, in his own final analysis, his provision of funds is all that counts. His taking my mother, may she rest in peace, on trips is all he remembers. "She should have been happy. She had a good life."
Who can put a dollar price on living with an emotionally handicapped person, especially when it's an elderly parent, or caring for a ninety-plus never very nice relative in order to preserve the semblance of independence she wishes? My father can. I'm costing him too much, he says. Neither of them are that demented that they cannot be held accountable for their words, at least some of the time. That occasional token thank you others have mentioned here is not always heartfelt: Manipulative is a word that has been repeated above. Are there moments of grace for all of us? Miliseconds.
My point is, I am learning painfully that a balance must be maintained. I will continue giving because I think it's right, important, compassionate, but I hope I can make more of an effort to restrain my generosity and save a little of me for me. Sometimes they are not going to like this bargain, and sometimes I'm not going to... It's somewhat similar to raising children: I cannot be my best self for them if I lose myself and become this frantic, unhappy, terribly tense shell of me.
Delaney, thank you for this blog entry. While I have taken advantage of it in order to vent, I also believe that the content of this online discussion has real merit (and I'm sorry if you feel bad that it's attract far more comment than your other entries -- you struck a nerve, and you expressed it well!). I, too, have practiced meditation and have other outlets I try to maintain. Nothing feels equal to the stress of trying to be everything to my elderly relatives. (I have gradually obtained some support services for my aunt. My father would never hear of even occasional cleaning help, and he writes the checks.) My best solution is leaving them in the lurch periodically (I'm exaggerating - you know I make every preparation and take every precaution for them) and traveling far away to visit good friends, some of whom have found their own best balance (not perfect) in similar situations. I see that daughters, especially those without partners, seem to have less capacity to say no to the elderly. Some do, however, and become the stuff of family legends about that terrible cousin of ours... who didn't give up her home, friends, career, dreams for her dear old dad or mom. Anybody else blackmailed/shamed that way? So transparent, yet so powerful.
I wish all a balanced, fulfilling New Year. Sounds to me like you, Delaney, and so many others deserve major points for handling these issues long-term in a rational, caring way.
Ditto, Ditto, Ditto...I have gone underground. My mom has sitters but expects me to be there every day. My 16 year old son was killed 7 months ago and she doesn't even realize the stress I am under. On top of all of that, I work full time. She will get her sitters to call me at 1am and wake me up to talk her into taking her medicines. I for one have decided to let her live with her own consequences. I decided not to answer her phone calls and not to visit. The only problem is I haven't told her. I do not think it is fair not to let her know. But right now I am doing the best I can. This is now 18 years of taking care of her. I have been more a mother to her than she ever was to me. I resent it!!. I am losing my mind and she does not care. I feel like the daughter in the black and white version of The Haunting of Hill House. Watch it, that is my mother. So, on Christmas she sat at the table and opened her mouth like a baby bird, but was fully able to pick at her teeth afterward. This is my fault for allowing it and now I am trying to figure out how to live with myself if I get out of it. The story is so long. The offenses so often, so manipulative. My fear, what if I am wrong.
To Kathy, above (who said she stopped answering the phone and going to see her mother). I was in the same situation 2 years ago. My mother just kept pushing and pushing (long story cut short), and one day I just stopped. I felt guilty but I needed to do it to regain some sanity into my life and that of my family. I do think it's important to let her know or at very least have someone else let her know. It may take sometime before she lets up - in my case it took around one year, even after I'd told her I couldn't see her due to health reasons. Believe it or not, the separation has played well for both of us - it allowed her to find her own path and settle into her own life. But it was very painful and I know only too well how you are feeling. I am now able to visit her but on my grounds and when time permits, and without the emotional drain or manipulation.
Now, I'd like to paint a very different perspective on looking after parents. When I was younger I dated (briefly) a couple of guys who were in a sense tied to their parents - interestingly they were sons and not daughters, but in each case they were the only child. The parents made it their goal to rid of any girlfriend fearing they'd lose their 'insurance policy'. Those poor guys couldn't commit to a serious relationship because their parents had locked them into a contract - a contract to look after and care for them for the rest of their natural lives - OR they'd 'allowed themselves' to be locked into that contract. To this day, I know at least one of those guys still hasn't been able to form a long-term relationship since he spent every living minute caring for his parents and is scarred. So my concerns are around why people have kids in the first place. If you have kids expecting them to care for you in old age or to love you for the rest of your life, then that is wrong. As someone once quoted - your kids are on loan!
Some people will always whinge - it's in their nature. My mother is in a 5 star care facility and still whinges at the least little thing. She doesn't realize just how lucky she is. I made the decision a while back not to have her live with us, it just wouldn't have worked out. Thankfully, she had the funds to move into a nice place. I probably won't be so lucky when it's my turn.
I guess the obvious question is... who will look after all the old people? Globally, we're an aging population. Imagine the health care system in 10-20 years' time - when the majority of the global population will suffer from ailments such as diabetes and other obesity-related illnesses - we're already seeing a staggering percentage of these types of illnesses. Not to mention the drug and alcohol issues... Most people probably don't even like to think about it, but it's already happening. And what about our nurses - how many nurses are choosing geriatrics as their profession? I bet not many. It is hard enough to find nursing staff for hospitals let alone for nursing homes. You can't help but wonder.
I would love some feedback to my situation. I have a very difficult mother who is 85 years old, and she won't listen to anything anyone says. She has a fear of illness and at 85, she has several things she is dealing with. No matter what you say to her, she won't listen and she needs help. I feel she has some form of dementia, but Elderly Services has been to her home and asked her 10 questions, which according to them she answered sufficiently, and they feel she is fit. (that is all they did) She won't leave her house to go live in an assistaed living facility, and when I try to help her, she starts to break me emotionally with all her craziness and not accepting any help. What is the right thing for me to do? I've offered her a cleaning service, she said no, her doctor has offered her physical therapy for her ailments, she has said no. She says no because her house is a mess and she basically doesn't want to clean it for them even though the cleaning service would help her with that. (nuts right?) I feel guilty when I'm not helping her, but I can only stand her for so long before I start to need therapy. She has alienated her son with her crazy accusations about him. What does one do in a situation like this? I'm only sharing the tip of the iceberg with her. Is there anything one can do with an elderly person to help them. Her doctor won't share any of her medical history with me unless she approves it, which we know won't happen anytime soon. So here I sit, not having any answers nor solutions to this situation. Any help would be appreciated.
In my case, yes, I am a daughter who has no life of her own, but I stress this is temporary. I truly feel that an elderly parent close to 90 deserves help from their children. Sure, I haven't had a relationship in many years, not all of that is my parent's fault, but yes, caregiving does push away opportunities. I don't regret the time I'm giving her though. In the big scheme of things, a period of 5 years, or even 10 years, is nothing compared to the overall amount of years that I've been free. Prior to my mother needing help, I had a good single life, did much travelling and fun things, worked on my career, had numerous relationships etc. Now it is time to help Mom and I've accepted that brings limitations to my lifestyle. After she's gone I should be able to enjoy another 30 years of doing what I want to do. Why are children so selfish in some respects, that they will not provide help to an old and sick parent, even temporarily, considering that they are not going to be around forever.
I would really appreciate any feedback / suggestions. My 88 year old father has been verbally and emotionally abusive all my life. He wants to move into our house. I am having a panic attack after just talking to him on the phone. He said I'm going to come out there this summer. I will go crazy!! What can I say to him to let him know I can't have him in my home?? I don't want to hurt his feelings but I can't have him here. I have a very high stress job and lots of college loans to pay off for my children (I'll be working till I'm 93). I just can't have him here - he scares me - I don't like him - I don't want him in my home. Help me figure out what to say to him please. Any suggestions are welcome.
Tell him "No!" It's that simple. Tell him how you feel, if you can, and put yourself first. Sounds like he has put himself first all his life. Self-centered people, such as your father, are very good at taking care of themselves. You can't do all you do and then have something around that will drag you down emotionally. He will break you.
I don't know if you are married or not. But you could get either your husband, ex, or a male friend to call him and tell him that he cannot come. It sounds chauvinistic that a man must confront him but I believe your father is in the age group that he respects men more than women. Elderly men in that age group are "old school" or "old country" types who never thought of women as equals and weren't involved much with raising their children. He certainly isn't going to respond to you as if he thinks you are an adult who should be respected. So, use psychology as the weapon rather than fear. Find a male presence in your life to deliver the bad news to him and let him think that there is another man around in your house--he won't want to do battle with another man.
To the anonymous poster above who starts off with .. I have a very difficult mother who is 85 years old, and she won't listen to anything anyone says .. I was in a similar situation myself a few years back. I was driving back and forth to my mother's house up to several times per week - several hours' drive each way - as she began needing more and more medical assistance and other things. She lived in a largish house and after a couple of years started having falls, etc. and needing medical assistance. At the time, I was also working full-time, managing my own family and studying part-time. My brother lived nearby her house, but didn't want to get involved and she would always phone me for things. I tried to remedy the situation by calling in community services but she refused to let them help her, she complained that the community bus wasn't ontime and felt they didn't give her enough attention. I tried having her groceries delivered, but she then complained that the food wasn't good enough, etc. I then suggested she move closer to us, but she flatly refused and when I pushed her she got really difficult and manipulative and started saying things like .. oh well, I suppose I could live here without food .. That's when the alarm bells went off and I decided enough was enough. I put my foot down and decided to take action and move her. If I were you, I'd be seeking Power of Attorney and/or guardianship - she will need this as she gets older and needs medical assistance and it will make it easier when decisions need to be made. I'd also be making an appointment to personally speak to her Doctor about the situation to see if he can suggest a course of action. If you suspect dementia or partial dementia, then it is probably going to be hard to reason with her. But you need to let her know - and be firm but tender - that you can no longer look after her since you are getting sick. Then try asking her what she suggests - put the ball in her court - and see what kind of response that attracts - insist that you need an answer within a certain timeframe, i.e. one week. It may or may not work and you may need to take more affirmative action. It may also help you realize her degree of rationalization, if you suspect any dementia.
To the earlier anonymous poster who suggested that children are selfish not to look after their parents. I commend you on you decision to make the ultimate sacrifice and care for your elderly mother. I said pretty much the same thing several years back before the inevitable happened. It wasn't until it actually happened that things changed. I do think it's a sin to simply ignore your parents and leave them for dead. But having said that, everyone's situation is different and parents are different too. The rosy picture I'd painted myself of planning and caring for my Mom after my Dad had passed was very different when it came to reality. It hit me like a bullet and I wasn't prepared for it. I don't think you can ever be fully prepared. And only those who've gone through caring for elderly or others can understand this. I also commend the owner of this blog for continuing to support this important topic, thankyou. I only wish I'd had something like this back when I really needed it. Now I'm happy to help others going through similar - that in itself is therapeutic.
I stumbled upon this when I googled "how to deal with difficult elderly parents." I am feeling so affirmed! I think my struggles are just about to begin. I am an only child and my 77 year old mother lives 2000 miles away. I think I moved far away by design because my mother is self-absorbed, controlling, manipulative, and disrespectful of my boundaries. In a word, narcissistic. She is having her very first real health challenge: she is having a hysterectomy, during which a biopsy will be performed to look for cancer. She asked me to be there for the surgery and I am going. I'll be there for a week. We do not get along and I am grateful that for at least 4 of the 7 days, she will be in the hospital and I will not have to be with her 24/7.
But the bigger issue looms: as she declines, who will take care of her? She does not have much wealth, nor do I. I am single and work to support myself. I have a 3 bedroom house and I am terrified that she would expect to move in with me when I know I could not handle it. She's from the "old country" where the expectation is that parents live with their children when they get old. It's a taboo subject for us to even discuss what will happen when she can no longer take care of herself. I think I need to be a big girl and, at some point after this surgery, tell her that living with me in the future is not an option because of our extremely strained relationship. I know she will either fall apart, rage at me, or manipulate me with guilt---her trademark. I am willing to be an advocate for her and make sure she is getting decent care in some assisted living situation. I am not, however, willing to be her caretaker. A few of these posts said that it's only right and fair to let a parent know that this is the case so that they can plan their own options. I wish this was a discussion board because I can see that I will need to consult a resource like this again.
If I could add an addendum subject to this post, then it would be something along the lines of 'Risks Associated with Caring for the Elderly' (or Potential Risks). I guess it depends on the degree of care and the personality of the parent/s, and overall situation. But in my case, having lost my father to cancer, having partially cared for my intellectually disabled brother and then having cared for my overly demanding and difficult mother, I lost precious time with my own family. This caused a drift between me and my own children (it was at a critical stage in their development) and a near divorce for me and my husband. Some of you have suggested that those who don't look after their elderly parents are selfish. Well, maybe so. But when you are faced with the ultimate cost of losing your own family then you need to think seriously about the direction you will take. Let's face it, if you are in the situation of having to make a decision between caring for your elderly parents and caring for your immediate family, which do you choose? I envy those who can do both, I wasn't able to and I'm now trying to rebuild that time lost and make it up to my immediate family - it may be too late. I guess in terms of reality, your elderly parent/s will die much sooner than your children (you hope) so you need to find a balance, it's very difficult. On top of all that, consider the emotional drain and potential cost of therapy. Having gone through an extremely difficult time does take its toll and you don't necessarily just bounce back to 'normal' life. Consider also that your own family may be relying on you - being the 'mother' - and if you get sick what will they do? We play many roles!
In my case, between me and my sister, I happen to be the one who lives the closest to our elderly mother, and I have no family of my own. When I started helping Mom (after my father passed away), I didn't have a great relationship with her. I felt some of the same hegatives that the people on this blog say about their own parent. However, over time, we developed a closer relationship and she came to see that I was consistent, stable, and not trying to push her into anything, I began to see a different side of her. She became more pleasant, more agreeble, less abrasive. Our relationship slowly got better and better. It did take at least 10 years for this to happen though. During the past 5 years her health has deteriorated more and more, so I'm glad that I began to establish a good relationship with her prior to the onset of the really bad problems. I totally advise adult children to try to build up a good rapport with an elderly parent PRIOR to the onset of health issues. It's too late to do it when the parent is already felled down. Believe me, my mother and I are not on the same wave length on many matters and she can be tough to take at times: controlling, high-maintenance, etc. just like the other bloggers describe. But the rewards that I've gotten in sticking with her and learning how to make our relationship better and make it in a team not adversaries are priceless. I have gotten some very loving notes from her in recent years that have erased some of the painful moments of the past. I have come to learn who she really is as a person rather than just seeing her as the ogre parent. We've BOTH changed for the better. So what I'm saying is that a dreaded parent can evolve into a loved and admired one, given the time and energy. Of course I sympathize with adult children who have their own families and can't take the time that I took with their parent. I won't criticize someone in that boat. However, in the case of my sister, even though she has a family and I don't, I think it still behooves her to help out to the degree that she can. I don't expect her to put the time into our Mom that I am, but I do expect some level of help, and yet I don't get any help at all. That's not right either.
Some very interesting recent comments, raising two questions that jump out at me.
1. First, the "selfishness" question. Isn't this very struggle exactly why everyone here has spent time searching out resources, agonizing over what to do in difficult (even wrenching) circumstances? If I make no other point, I want to make this one: this is an area in which there are no perfectly right or totally wrong choices; this is a classic gray-area situation. I don't think anyone here is considering the option of leaving an elderly parent out in the cold, among the wolves. Rather, we are faced with what seem to be impossible demands, and we wonder how much our elderly parent wants from us, and how much s/he actually needs, as balanced against how much it will cost us to give her everything she wants, etc. We wonder whether we get to consider our own needs and wants, at all; how much pain (and I am talking about situations that are unusually painful, involving parents who are narcissistic, critical, highly demanding, sometimes outright abusive) must we take on, to preserve our own self-respect?
If the elderly parent is able (cognitively and financially) to meet her own needs, then anything more we do for her is, in a sense, "extra." And if she is no longer able to meet her own real needs, I think we'd all agree that any adult child has an obligation to do whatever possible to make that happen. And then, again, once the elderly parent's basic needs are being met, anything more could be considered "extra."
2. Second, the concept of, and hope for, a "Happy Ending." It is true that in some cases, an adult child who cares for an elderly parent, one who has always been "difficult," finds that, over time, the relationship improves. Sometimes there is something like a happy ending, as from a "Lifetime" movie. But not always! Most elderly people keep the same personality they have always had, as they age and become demented.
And it is NOT a good idea to develop an expectation that things will turn better, during our caretaking months or years, NOR to think that those who DO end up with an improved relationship with their elderly parents have done something right, whereas possibly we have done something wrong.
In my case I feel that it is my duty according to my faith and as a daughter to provide help not just with physical tasks like grocery shopping or home maintenance but with psychological, emotional, and spiritual needs. Sure, she might be difficult at times, and sure, it is tough coping with everything on my plate. And yes, I have put my life on hold because of the demands in my life. I'm not making any statements about anyone else's situation, only mine. I feel that my parent's difficult personality was largely a result of many difficulties and tragedies in her life and I've learned to love and accept her regardless of her shortcomings--as I hope that someone would love and accept me despite mine. That's what "family" means to me--sticking together despite problems. For many years I wasn't the greatest daughter either. I had an addiction problem and was surly and disrespectful towards her but I resolved this and I've changed into a better person, and she's changed too. My situation may be an exception rather than the rule, but I truly believe that good intentions regarding our parent's welfare will ultimately bring a good end in some respect or another. I would rather try to treat my parent with love and kindness even though it means grappling with difficulties and ultimately feel that I did my best by her than having extra free time to go out to see a stupid movie or spend more time at my job developing a "career". I would rather spend 10 minutes with my difficult parent than go on a 100 weekend get aways. Someday when she is gone I will miss her terribly. I'm just trying to put it out there to some of the people on this blog who have difficult parents that it's worth trying to remake your relationship with them.
To the commenter just above: first of all, I do applaud you for the care, love, and attention that you are giving your elderly mother.
I also think a point that needs to be re-emphasized here is this: In my blog post, I used the term "difficult" as something of a euphemism for personality characteristics that go way above and beyond what might present mild, or even moderate difficulties to the care-giving family member. Many elderly people (perhaps most elderly people) can be irritable and cranky, and they can be needy, of course, because there is less they can do for themselves, they are often in pain, they may be lonely, and it's just plain tough, getting old.
My blog post was directed toward those of us who have an elderly parent who is, to a fairly extreme degree, unable to engage in reasonably workable relationships with others. I am talking about some really serious narcissism, and extreme demands, often coupled with outright cruelty.
Of course, nobody can accurately assess, much less solve, anybody else's situation, especially in this blog format. Suffice it to say that, with some elderly parents, there is really no "remaking" of the relationship. I think that most of those who have commented on this blog have already tried that, repeatedly.
And, as you point out, "family" does indeed mean "sticking together despite problems," and I have certainly found that to be true. Blood is thicker than water. Those truths have an impact on nearly all of us. But for some people, "sticking together" with someone who is a genuinely destructive human being can carry a ridiculously high price, and without a corresponding and commensurate benefit to the elderly parent.
The question is rarely one of "do I help him/her out, or not?" but, rather, more along the lines of: How much must I give, and how often, to someone whose demands are totally unreasonable?
If you truly "would rather spend 10 minutes with [your] difficult parent than go on a 100 weekend getaways," then I suspect that your elderly parent does not have the kind of toxic qualities that I was talking about in my blog post.
I now understand what you are saying. Apparently I did not read the blog carefully enough to determine what your definition of "difficult" is. I was originally searching for a blog to vent about my caregiving issues but my parent doesn't fit the description you talk about. My parent is difficult but in a moderate sense, and she is definitely not abusive. I wish you luck and will find another post to blog on.
You know, you are absolutely right. People who are using search engines with the terms "difficult" and "elderly parent" often land on this site, and it isn't necessarily as clear as it could be that I am talking about the fact that "difficult" is sometimes one of those terms that is used in clinical settings (or in polite company) to refer to people who have always been manipulative, abusive, and extremely narcissistic. It's not considered nice, or OK, for a person to say that her elderly mother is pretty much a psychopath, so we say that she is, hmmm.... "difficult."
I refer in part to Delany's post above, dated January 11th. Having gone through the ordeal of looking after and managing my elderly mother, I agree that people, or most people, don't change just because they are older. Getting old is definitely a precursor for illness and other pain which may lead to people feeling more irritable. But in general, if a person has been difficult and/or self centered all their life then they'll still be like that in old age, even on the 'good' days. I recall during the early stages of managing my Mom, a care Nurse told me that old people become more self centered because they are only interested in their own survival - she was trying to also tell me something. One important thing I learned was that they don't change and it's you (YOU) who has to learn how to manage your own feelings when managing them. It's unlikely you'll be able to change them. But that can be a difficult process. Even now, after several years, I feel guilty when I can't go see her because of my own schedule and family, and even little pleasures in life such as going out to dinner with my husband - I shouldn't feel guilty but I do because I still have issues around managing my own feelings toward her and dealing with her vindictiveness, and I will need extra help with this.
Secondly, the 'selfishness' issue... In my opinion, no-one has the right to judge others and negatively criticize others for decisions they make around managing their elderly parent/s. Everyone's situation is different - very different.
And if you're reading this and; (1) in a position of having (or having had) your own children, think about why - would you selfishly expect them to look after you in old age?; and, (2), if you are reading this and you are still working and relatively young, for God's sake, put your money away for old age so you don't unnecessarily burden your own family when you get to that point in life - getting old is not only painful but expensive and commercialized!
Finally, if you're reading this and haven't yet had to deal with caring for your parents, then read the initial post and all the comments to help you to understand what you will/may have to face oneday and start planning now. It's real!
Thanks again, Delany.
I am dealing with an 83 year toddler- my mother- at least that's what it feels like most of the time. Tantrums, hissy fits etc to get her own way. As an only child, she was spoiled big time and will do anything to get others to do her bidding. Lately, she has run up against a brick wall- me-- because I have quit enabling her bad behavior.
My therapist has encouraged me to look at her bad behavior as I would a small child having a tantrum in the grocery store- ignore, don't reward. She also says, and I have adopted this as my mantra, that the reason teenagers and old folks behave so badly is so that they won't be missed when they're gone.
Nonethless, I feel, as do most of us, a certain sense of responsibilty to do what's right and decent, but where are the reasonable limits? At what point does the price of allowing Mom's wishes take precedence over mine become too high a price to pay? I want out.
To the poster who says 'I want out'. Only you have the capacity to get out and 'get out' to the degree you want out. You need to consider your current situation and determine how much care you will continue to provide, if any. I disagree with your Therapist in regards to missing your relative/s less if they've behaved badly. 'They' probably don't even know they are behaving badly, it is the way in which you are intrepreting and dealing with their behavior.
It's a tough job when the decision is yours, but only you can make and take it. You will probably be a stronger person for doing so - I am.
I don't know where to begin. If someone searched my computer and looked at all the searches I have conducted over the last two years to help me find answers to figure out my 81-year old mother's behavior; I would probably be locked up.
So tonight I search "elderly people who act like 2 year olds" and "difficult elderly people." And I ended up on this site.
My mother has sucked the life out of me and my two sisters for two years non-stop. She lies, critisizes, manipulates, fakes illnesses and fakes falls, and on and on and on. She listens to no one.
She pits the three of us against each other. She calls distant relatives and tells them she needs help -- and that we (her daughters) do nothing for her. On New Year's eve she called a nephew and a second cousin to come and help her because she fell. When they arrived she was fine, sitting on the couch.
She has managed to drive away almost all of her friends (which she only ever had a handful) and doesn't know her neighbors of 30 years (and doesn't want to know them.) She has never been a warm person.
I would say she has always been self-centered.
She wants one of the three of us to be with her 24/7 but critisizes and degrades nonstop. She creates chaos in her life everyday -- and thus in our lives.
We put her in a very lovely assisted living and she went on a hunger strike and lost about 25 pounds. My sister who lives the closest to her broke down from exhaustion and let my mother return to the house (it was just a matter of time I think before they kicked her out anyway). We hired a caregiver (who has since quit).
I live 2 hours from her. One sister lives 10 hours from her. One sister lives 1/2 hour from her. But, distance means nothing to her. Nothing. She will ask my sister who lives the farthest away, "when are you coming over." She may have just left a few days before. My mother knows that she is 10 hours away. She does. She just wants to badger.
I have 10 unbelievable stores a week (maybe 10 a day) that I could write about about her antics.
The most recent is this: my sister who lives 10 hours away, began to feel guilt (mind you she drove to my mother's house with her 3 little kids a month ago) so she got an airline ticket for my mother to come to her house for a week.
I drove down to get mom and bring her to the airport by my house (a 4-hr round trip). While getting ready, she fakes a fall to get my attention (because I was working on the computer) and won't let me help her up. She lays on the floor flat on her back, fully dressed. I told her that she needs to get up or she can't go on the airplane. She says "I can help myself up, I always do, when you're not here."
At any rate, she gets up, we drive to the airport. We arrive 2 hours early. I get an escort pass so I can take her to the gate. We go to Friday's for lunch at the airport. She is mad because the glass is plastic and too big. She drops it (on purpose). She does things like this all the time, loves the attention!!!!! Then she refuses to hurry and get in the wheel chair to get to the flight.
I know someone out there will say "poor lady," No, you don't understand. She 100% knows what she is doing.
Now, after two days at my sisters, she has critisized her and her children to the point that my sister is in tears and leaves just to get out of the house. My mother climbs down outside steps (she knows better) and sits out on the deck and sulks.
Trust be, she has had every test known to man. We should have listened 15 years ago when the doctor looked my sister straight in the eye and said, "There is nothing physically wrong with your mother." He was right. It is all mental.
And she is sucking the life out of each of us.
My mother is 93 and more and more wants everything done for her... to the point of being transferred from bed to wheelchair even though she is physically able to walk.
Considering that in some respects the behaviour of many of the above posts is similiar to a spoiled, bratty kid that knows what is going on ... and takes advantage of it .. if you have a first grader that acted like this what would you do?
Let them sulk, let them whine.... let them choose their path.... if they want something.. then that is the breaks.
I had to re-read some of the comments on this post. It's so sad that we all have to come to this! Or is it really our destiny.
Humanity spends its youth ruining their old age. Apparently in doing so, we take down as many as we can with us.
My father in this last stage of his life is going, but he's going fighting. I'm sure I'll only remember the good times at some point.
What seems to be missing is resources to help cope.
Does anyone have an issue whereby you see your mother for the narcissistic woman she is but none of your siblings see it? My 86 year old mother and I have never gotten along. It's a long story, I've been in counseling over this, but to make it brief, it has been due to what she perceives as my father's favoritism of me? Daddy died 36 years ago, and in a nutshell, Mama has expected her daughters to nurture her simply because she was widowed at 49. And, three of my sisters fell into her web. She has been the poor, pitiful victim. Now, she claims she "gets scared at night" and we all five are taking turns staying in her home. She does have arthritis but manages to dress to the nines, complete with full makeup, even to go to the hairdressers. One sister has been her caregiver for over 10 years, taking her meals everynight, stopping by to deliver her paper at her door, all when I knew Mama was perfectly capable of doing this herself. Basically, Mama just sits in a chair now and waits for her daughters to call, bring food, spend the night, and entertain her. During my last stay, last Wed. Mama was picking a fight with me as she has done so often, because she loves for me to "be on the outs" with my sisters. When I asked her if I could turn the heat back (it was on 76), she yelled at me. When I calmly stated that if I'm going to leave my house to come and stay with her, she replied, "Why did you come? I don't want you to come anymore. Marie likes to stay with me. I'll tell her to stay here on your days from now on."
But, I know, contrary to what her incredibly narcissistic personality thinks, this is wearing every one of us down. My sisters will not speak to me if I don't do my part, but I have so much anger towards Mama, and her to me, that we are toxic to each other. I must stress, this is a woman who laughed at my looks in front of family while I was in my teens, who once said to me, "You think you're something!" I have endured much emotional abuse with her, and I can't take this anymore. What should I do? She needs assisted living, because this is wearing all of us down, but I don't think my sisters would do it. She would sulk, wimper. PLEASE HELP!
Tough Love. That has to be the answer for elderly that are perfectly cognizant and know exactly what they are doing. My 89 year old father who is no longer capable of living at home even with caregivers coming in had a fall which hospitalized him. I did agree to come to rehab near me (primary daughter that helps since my Mom died) but I had to REFUSE to be involved if he went to rehab near his home which is over 50 miles away. Now he should move into assisted living in the same community as the rehab and it is lovely. He is refusing...although when the rehab team finishes up they may tell him he is not capable of going home. My sister and I have point blank told him...if by some stretch of the imagination they let you return home...you will have to do it alone. We will not participate. Because it will go right back to the way it was before...constant phone calls, constant whining, constant demands, having to travel 100 miles constantly. If he was here in the lovely assisted living...it COULD be a pleasure to visit but if it wasn't...I am only 10 minutes from home and can just walk out. Behavior modificaton may not work...but my sanity and my LIFE says it is the only way to go. I have given up 6 years of my life so far...with no gratitude, no appreciation, nothing positive. Nope...DONE.
I have been reading these comments and now realize I am not alone. Thank God! My mom in law is demanding. She moved in across the way from us two years ago and runs my husband ragged. I ask him to try to make boundaries with her but he doesn't. (It's almost like he has regressed to when he was a kid!) She was not a good mom and did not take good care of her kids. She is on all kinds of assistance and it makes me angry that we have to work so hard and she gets everything for free. She gets food stamps and then says she doesn't have enough food. I make her lunch every Sunday and she comes over, inhales her food and then goes home.
She is only 64 and it scares me because I don't want my marriage ruined by this. My biggest fear is that my husband and I will divorce over the stress. He is only 41 and I am 39 and since his dad died 10 years ago we have been taking care of her on some level.
She is manipulative and asks one of us to do something and if we don't get it done on her "timeframe" she asks the other one to do it.
Just typing this and knowing there are others out there like me helps me to know I am not going insane.
Thank you all for your words. I'm not the only person stuck in this situation. Most of what I've read talks about the "gentle old folks." My mom is a horrible, mean, depressive, angry old woman. My road only began in August, but she had ground me down to dirt. Thankfully I found this posting site and realize many others are stuck with horrible people in their lives. Some how their must be help for all of us. Just because we are sons/daughters or son/daughter-in-laws shouldn't make us doomed to caring for these people when they treat us so terribly. Many dianamics have happened between me and my mom, the worst of which is telling me she never knew my father abused us when we were children. I know this is a lie, but it stuns me anyway.
I am so happy that i found this blog. I am 19 years old and my mom and I are going through just about everything people have said about dealing with a person thats dealing with dementia. Its my mothers aunt ( which makes her my great aunt to me), from the stories i hear she has always been an awful person from the time she was little. She is 86 now. She's outlived 2 of her rich husbands that used to mentally and physically abuse her throughout both marriages. My mom actually thinks that she has some underlying sexual issues too because lately she's been asking my mom if her daughter ( me) liked to run around without my clothes on in front of my dad) bc she and her dad used to play games when she didn't have her underwear on. ( weird, right?)She always talks to herself, even if we're sitting right next to her like shes in her own little world, curses all the time at me and my mom, usually never can finish a full complete sentence( i looked it up in my college psyc. book and its known as a 'word salad' where all the words are jumbled together and don't make any sense,cant remember what state she's in, stutters all the time and tries to sound out words because she cant pronounce them anymore...( if this isn't a classic case of some sort of dementia then i don't know what is.) She is been diagnosed with dementia and wears a patch that she changes every-night, and she is also on 20mgs of different psychosis medication because she is SO hostile ALL the time. The creepiest part about the whole thing is she LOVES going to the doctors and its amazing the kind of show she puts on in front of them. Hugging every person that walks in her path and smiling and complimenting my mother and I in every way possible way, if we walk out of the office and she's alone with the doctors all she will do is tell them that we abuse her and neglect her when in reality my mother has completely devoted her LIFE to making sure she has the best care for her waiting on her hand and foot then she'll gets in the car and it completely shuts off the niceness and becomes back to being malicious again. She's starting to become violent with me ( hitting me twice and always trying to pinch or grab my face.) I am a commuting college student studying to be a highschool English teacher, and my mom graduated from Old Dominion University. I want everyone to know we are NOT stupid people that have nothing else better to do with out lives. My mom made a promise to her mother than she would take care of her if she lived longer and to never put her in a nursing home but it is honestly getting so stressful. We have to sleep with out doors locked because sometimes she'll come in the middle of the night and just stand at the foot of the bed and just stare at my mom or me. My mom has woken up to this and its probably the creepiest thing that has EVER happened to her. Its getting to the point where i cant even pitty her because she is SO malicious and evil. I have never met someone like her and am hoping t o god that there is someone out there that understands what my mom and I are going through and maybe have some advice on how to deal with someone like this. thanks so much if you read this
I have been reading this column for at least an hour now, and I thank everyone who has shared their experience. For the last 3 years, I have felt totally alone in dealing with my mom, and have not had anyone to talk to. I think I have shared a little of every single blog you have written- including the fact that no one in the family seems to see what I see, nor worry the way that I do. It has been as if I am the one who is imagining everything- unfortunately, where I live, everyone is younger and has little kids, and parents who are relatively young , healthy, and totally independent.. I hope everyone keeps writing and then I may be able to comment more.
I have been reading some very interesting commnets. It's funny when you are dealing with elderly parents many times it feels you are the only one going through this, especially when you have a parent that is stubborn, angry and won't listen to anyone. That is what my 82 year old father is like. My mom is 88, has dementia, macular degeneration and shuffles when she walks.
The problem is, his memory is not much better these days, but you could not tell him that. The two live in their own home, and me and my 2 sisters take turns cleaning, cooking, bathing my mom, and doing the shopping, dr. appts, etc. My mom is easy to deal with. She was a very loving mom when my 2 sisters and I were growing up and the perfect grandmother.
My father on the other hand is our challenge.
He sounds a lot like some of the parents I read about. He was in the military and he still wants to bark out orders to me, my sisters and our kids. He expects us to drop what we are doing when he needs something. If you tell him you can't, he gets upset, will hang up on you or say we never do anything for him. Yet, my sisters and I are at their house every week, cooking, cleaning, shopping, handling all their affairs, etc. But it is never enough. We are going crazy. He does not want to hire anyone to come in and help because he knows he can depend on us, even though we all have full time jobs and families of our own. We have tried bringing in a home health provider many times and he cancels everytime. I've heard peeople say that as long as you continue to be at their beck and call, they will continue to take advantage and know they do not need to hire someone. But the guilt would get to me, so we continue to muddle along the best we can and hope to keep our sanity.
Glad I found this site as I can relate to a lot of each one of these comments. My mom is 76 and angry. She's not happy unless she is mad. She has brothers and sisters alive still and she is the youngest. She is mad at one of them all the time and feels the need to tell me about it each and everytime I talk with her. It's wearing me out. The other night she attacked me on the phone for not inviting her out for my daughters birthday. To be honest, my daughters, ages 20, 25 and 30 can't hardly stand to be around her. For her to go to dinner for the 25 year olds birthday would have been a 100 mile round trip for me, after working all day. So, now I'm the one on the sh*& list. After being attacked and told how many things she has bought me over the years, including a deep freeze that her and my dad bought my husband and I 26 years ago, she then told me to shutup as I challenged her. I said "shutup, oh, I will shut up" and I hung up on her.
This is not the way I choose to get along with her. Her and my brother have not spoken in 2 years because of the way she treats him. She is normally a little more patient with me because she knows I do a lot for her. Basically she feels I should be her Entertainment Captain and make all her plans for fun. However, she never invites us to do anything at all, not even inviting us over for dinner...and she is a good cook. So, when I go out for dinner with my own grown children and my 4 grand children and my husband, I must either hide the fact, lie about it, or act like it didnt happen, or else I catch her wrath.
She repeats the same stories of anger over and over again and this year has been trying to manipulate me into doing more for her. She was angry because I didnt call and wish her a Happy Valentines day, even though she didnt call and wish me one either. She said "some day I will be dead and you will wish you had called me to wish me a Happy Valentines day!" Mind you, I talk to the woman everyday on the phone and see her about 3 times a month. I try to have an outing with her every other sunday and I try to take my grandkids in to see her maybe once a month or so. My kids dont want much to do with her, because basically, she is a pain to be around.
I'm at the point right now that I feel I could go the rest of my life without talking to her and dealing with her anger. My whole life I have been made to feel like it is my responsiblity to take care of her, make sure she is entertained, make sure she doesnt feel left out. She has no friends anymore, has chased them all away.
I am still young enough, 51, to go out and enjoy my life and now I feel like I am having to raise another child....her.
It is a lot of comfort to read that I am not the only one with parent issues. Recently I have begun pushing back and she doesnt like it. I feel liberated in doing so. I no longer have to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace...it's just not worth it anymore. She's not a pleasure to be around, is extremely insulting and tries to be the funny one all the time, like she's putting on a comedy show...and it's just downright irritating and stupid. Nobody thinks it is funny. She has to be the center of attention, and when she isnt, then we start to see the anger issues arise.
She's never been much of a mother, and even less in the grandmother field, but will swear she is the best mother ever. When she is "behaving" she will even say "I'm a good mom, dont you think?" or "I'm a very giving person, dont you think? She needs constant validation and to be honest, it is exhausting. She's extremely insecure, but yet thinks the whole world should cater to her.
I do have to thank her though for teaching me exactly how not to be. I have a great relationship with my kids and my grandkids.
Wow...that feels good just to have typed all that. Thanks to all of you and may we all find some peace someday!
I have a stepdad that is unable to walk or have mobility very well, he more than once falls down,he doesn't like to have anybody's help to get back up but he needs it. He doesn't like to ask for help for anything but in reality he needs help. He shouldn't be driving but my mom doesn't stop him so he takes off when ever he wants to. I am affraid that he will run into a tree or some other driver but my mom won't tell him he can't drive by himself. He won't ask anybody for help. When one of his family offers to he will only let certain one's drive. He thinks he can drive himself and mom will let him. Does anybody have any suggestions on how we can quit doing this. He needs to know that he can not drive himself. He does get mean with mom if she tries to tell him he can't drive so she just lets him go. His right arm and right leg shake very bad which is the side that opperates the automatic gear shift, gas and break. When he does take off he goes, stops and goes again, but he usually gets to his destination. He knows what he is doing, he is got all his focuses but his limbs just don't work like they are suppose to. Any suggestions?
Thank you to everyone who has posted on this blog. It is incredibly validating to read stories similar to mine. When I found the blog I felt compelled to read it all straight through. I recently found the book "Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stressed-Out Children" by Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane. It addresses situations like those we are all experiencing, and I would recommend it.
I'm in a similar situation. All I can say is:
"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure ... but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God..."
II Cor 1:8 & 9
Praying for you all.
My name is Beth, I am a single mother of two grown and wonderful children and am 53yrs old.
I am the POA and Healthcare Rep for my Uncle's widow. He died in 1983 and they never had children. My uncle whom I had great respect for asked me when I was 12 years old to promise to care for his wife if anything ever happened to him. I said yeah, sure. Oh boy!. Well she was totally dependant on him the whole time they were married, she din't grocery shop, drive, etc. She was a stay at home wife literally.
After he passed she had me teach her how to write check, she took drivers ed and there was no stopping her. I am so proud of her for doing that. I would occassionally call her or send her a card letting her know I was there for her. Anytime she had to be admitted to the hospital for anything, I was called and I would sit with her. 5 years ago she had a stroke and I had her moved to a nursing home for therapy. I had read that you must start therapy right away to avoid permanent damage. I visited her in the NH everyday except 2 of the 100 days she was there when I got off of work and assisted her with the therapy. She couldn't walk when she went in and she walked out with a cane and was able to go back home.
She could right with her right hand and had trouble making sense sometimes so I took over her finances, mail, cleaned her house, did her laundry, had meals delivered every day, drove her to appointments, took her to get her hair done and took several calls during the week for 'crazy' demands of hers. She too was always a difficult person and now she has dementia. I was told by 3 different doctors that she needs to be in assisted living. One faithful day in the emergency room for one of her imagined illnesses, she said she wanted to go to assisted living. This is the 3rd time she has said that to me but always changed her mind. I told her ok but she wasn't going to change her mind once I made the arrangements. Well she tried to change her mind after I had her moved in. She became beligerant but then apologized and said she'd go. Too bad, I took her there and this is going on the 4th month there. She was fine there for a month or so and then she became hateful, accusing everyone of stealing and trying to break out windows. She threatened to sue everyone. She poked at one of the managers at the facility who propmtly told her he'd have her arrested and put in jail so she shut up and sat down. Hooray for him. Now I want to go visit her and take her out for dinner but she is mad and throws a fit. I miss doing things with her and now I have to stay away as not to agitate her. I hope the new dementia medicine calms her down. She has told people how wonderful I am to her but she won't tell me. I'm ok with that but I am sad for the situation. My mother died at age 69 of cancer and I know she would want me to look after my aunt until her passing. My aunt has willed everything to me but threatens to change it to try and manipulate me. I expect what little money she has will go toward her care and the house is in my name already and has been for over 5 years per her wishes. I'd would gladly sell it to benefit her. I am financially fine without it. So that manipulation doesn't work. My uncle loved her so. I love her too and she is so dependant on me. Even though she can get hateful and ugly. Part of that is the dementia and part of it is her personality. I won't even pack up her things in the house because I have too much respect to treat her things as though she has passed. Everyone says "you should get rid of her stuff and sell that house." I just couldn't do it unless she needed the money.
I am just venting because I get so sad about the situation and have no one to talk to about it. Well, no one who understands. Thanks for reading this. I feel for all of you and I support your efforts. Hang in there. I have apologized in advance to my children for my behavior should I develop dementia. :P
I have just read through all the posts. Thank you so much for letting me know Im not alone. My 80 year old mother has recently moved in with my family. I am married with a 22 year old son and a 9 year old daughter. I work part time and volunteer at my daughter's school. The problem is that my mother is so demanding of my time and so resentful if I have to change my normal routine, which is being home from school at 3:00 and spending time with her until bedtime. When I can't spend the time she wants she becomes very cold and will answer me with one word answers. So rude. She was the baby of her family, always got her way there and with my dad, who passed away 21 years ago. She has always suffered from depression and thinks everyone is out to get her, has very few friends, etc. This is really making me an emotional wreck trying to please her and the rest of my family. I don't even think about what I want. If I did I would just get the cold shoulder from her. Thanks for letting me vent.
“old people become more self centered because they are only interested in their own survival.”
“ What seems to be missing is resources to help cope.”
These two quotes lifted from other posts really speak to me strongly. My 88 year old mother, who has relied on me for 40 years to be her taxi driver every weekend, and in recent years a few times a week now, doesn’t comprehend any longer how her demands for her WANTS are not equal to her necessary NEEDS. In her mind, she cannot separate the difference between wants and needs. They are one and the same. She often relies on emotional blackmail to keep me co-dependent, and more often than not, it works. My own wants have taken a back seat for my entire life, and now I’m finding that she is encroaching on MY needs. As a single woman, there is no one to take care of my needs or responsibilities as her needs and wants increase. I can expect upwards of 5 phone calls a day from her now-most unnecessary. But I always answer, fearing something bad has happened.
She is not in the least bit flexible, expecting that I alone should provide her with whatever it takes to ensure she remains “independent”-despite 2 other male siblings who feel it’s their male entitlement to do as little as possible in helping out. Her “independence” in living alone in her ’castle’(a hoarders heaven) is now totally reliant on increasing hours of my hard work and my time, putting my own responsibilities far in arrears. She doesn’t care about that at all. She tells me it’s my “duty” to give her what she “needs”. I’m caught in the daughter trap, damned when I do and now damned when I’m too exhausted to keep up. She is killing me-and I allow her to do it. I never separated myself from her during my youth. The undeserved guilt, the emotional blackmail kept me anchored off shore of my own life, barely lived.
There is no help. There is no comfort to be found. My heart is broken, and I am resentful that she has not cared much over the years how her demands have squashed my dreams. So now that her needs become greater, and her wants continue, I find myself at critical mass-I must separate or die.
This is hardly the vision I had of how we would spend the last years of her life. I always imagined lots of quality time. Not the case.
Don’t ever allow another person to have power over your life this way. I would never allow any man this much power over me for fear of losing my self. Yet in retrospect, mother had that power all along.
To Carol-what you have to do(easier said than done, but definitelt do-able and eventually liberating) is set boundaries with her. You should not expect her approval, because it will not happen. An integral part of the daughter-trap is emotional blackmail. This blackmail is set upon a child during the early years of development. At some point in your early years you accepted the pseudo-reality that her happiness was directly linked to your own. This never allowed you to separate from her as a unique individual, separate but not distant. It's her way of ensuring that her needs would always be met. When you make her happy, she is compliant. When you separate even momentarily, the emotional blackmail begins. She becomes distant, cold-a punishment that she knows will hurt you and force you back into her web. And why? Because your happiness cannot exist without her happiness first.
So what's the worse that will happen if you just ignore her manipulation? She will be forced to deal with the unhappiness, not you. Realize now, before she destroys you, that setting boundaries, separating from her in an emotionally healthy way, is NOT abandonment ob your part. The value of doing that is that you will be a stronger person, and actually more willing to spend quality time with her, instead of allowing her to control you. It's not your problem, it's really hers. Give it back to her to deal with. You'll be happier in the end, and she WILL accept it after a while. Be prepared, though, she may get worse before she adjusts to her new reality. Just detach momentarily when she launces her nexy round of emotional blackmail. Every journey is begun with the first step,baby steps will move you in the right direction.
These comments and responses have been like manna from heaven. I am so thankful to everyone because this issue is never talked about by anyone. I am forty six and my father is sixty seven on dialysis (15 yrs), diabetic, partially blind, and an alcoholic. Hasn't had a drink in ten years but has all of the old alcoholic behaviors from before and then some. Among Native Americans we revere and respect our elderly without question but my father is really pushing the limits with unbelievably manipulative behavior and incredibly unrealistic expectations. I read somewhere that the Eskimo know the time when they leave a person to their fate out on the frozen tundra, but unfortunately we are far from the frozen north. Pardon me for this transgression but I feel like my last nerve has been worked one too many times. Everything I have read here resonates and is replicated by my father. My issue is that he is intelligent enough that he rarely crosses the line in front of the doctors and it seems everyone is hesitant to make a diagnosis of mental issues. His actions, words, and behavior are anything but normal, polite, or acceptable in regular society but somehow he gets a free pass to be abusive, manipulative, and is able to get responses from well meaning people that enables him to go on an on. It's true, one feels pushed to the limits at times but then the guilt kicks in and the belief that one should err on the side of caution and give him a break because after all he is an "old" man. The problem is that he is a fully operational abuse machine honed with over fifty years of alcoholic rage and a mouth that can eviscerate like Edward Scissorhands. I've kept my mouth shut and strived to "do the right thing" and honestly I am not sure its worth it. Is there a special place in hell for people that walk away because it is not humanly possible to withstand the abuse? Prayer does help but I didn't plan on being a saint as one my ambitions in life. Again, tanks for the opportunity to vent and this has really helped me to feel better and try to move forward.
In some cases, I don't think caring for your parent/s ever really stops until the day they die..OR you die first.
I started 'caring' for my parents back when I was a teenager (I am female, now in my 50's). My father was often away, my two brothers... one was always out doing 'teenage' things, the other was intellectually disabled and in and out of trouble... and I was mostly stuck at home with my mother. I mowed the grass, took out the trash, did the shopping and, basically, was my mother's 'companion'. She had few, if any, friends and misbehaved whenever I seemed to have fun outside of being with her. Later, when my Dad got sick, I dutifully visited on a regular basis and organized his pills and other things. I also had to take my Mom and intellectually disabled brother shopping on a regular basis. By this stage, I had my own family and my career, so multitasking began to take on a whole new meaning - many of you reading this probably know what I mean. Then, my Dad passed away and I had to care for my Mom and continue to care for her up until this day. I won't go into all those messy in-between details - many of you have already spelt those out in your own experiences. I continue to manage her from afar; I would never simply choose to abandon her, since I feel it's still my duty and the right thing to do - I have a moral obligation. Someone, who'd gone through similar experience, once said to me that I'll probably feel relief when she finally dies. That sounds tough, but I won't know until that day comes and right now, I haven't the energy to dwell on it. Thanks for this blog and all that contribute.
I just finished reading everything. I am exhausted by the similarities that exist with every situation, including mine.
Mother turned 90 April 21. We have got to do something soon. Yes, she is one of the "difficult" (I mean cantankerous, insulting, rude, ad nauseum). I sent this link to my sister, who will surely agree that we are going to need some help soon. The non involved third party sounds like a terrific idea.
Thanks to everyone for baring their souls. And thanks to Delany Dean for her courageous revelations and intelligent commentary.
My husband and I have cared for all four parents - first, his parents moved from another state to live with us - his dad for 9 months until he had a stroke and had to be put into a nursing home, and his mom, for four years with severe Alzheimer's. After his dad died, we could afford to put her into a facility. Taking care of these two took its toll on our health. we had day care for them for 6 hours daily during the work week, so my husband and I could alternate care giving shifts and still go to work. We also had a 10 year old son at home at the time, who babysat for grandma so that we could go out once in a while. We also had my husband's wonderful brother and his wife who moved into our home for a month each summer so that we could take a vacation. That saved us! We had about five years of respite, and then it was time to take my parents in. We had to move them across country. We also had to sell their house and our house so that we could live in a place that would accommodate all four of us appropriately. I had home health care from day one. My mother had severe mental illness and only managed to stay in our home for about five months before she had to be institutionalized. She died less than a year later. So that brings me to my current challenge, which is my dad. He is 93, with most of his mental faculties still intact. He has a beloved caregiver six hours a day during the work week. Still, he is the one who is proving to be the biggest challenge of all of our parents. His goal is to live to "at least 100." He devotes himself to whatever will help make that possible - reading about 15 health care magazines a month (I'm not exaggerating!) to see what is the latest on the appropriate foods to eat and newest medical advances. He looks for medical research programs in which he can enroll as a test subject for new cures (he has congestive heart failure). Of course, no one will take a 93 year old as a test case, but he keeps trying - having his health care aide calling long distance to doctors to see if he can enroll in one program or another. Right now he wants to plan a trip to another city to see if he qualifies for yet another experimental therapy - I have told him that he is too old for such efforts, that no one will take him for experimental treatments and that he should just enjoy life. Nothing doing. He is determined to keep going. This total focus on self is driving my husband and I nuts. My dad is totally unconscious of the fact that we may have needs to be met. we are all supposed to focus on him and helping him live ever longer. In the evening after work (yes, my husband and I are both still working) he wants us to sit and talk to him. We try, but he has a great deal of hearing loss (even with hearing aides) and conversations go nowhere..We are just frustrated and tired out. We have had one vacation in the past five years and see no end to our servitude to my dad in sight. He has no generosity of spirit and so it is hard to live with him. We take him everywhere with us, symphony, plays, out to dinner, etc. In five years, he has offered to take us out once. We have suggested that the kind of socialization that my dad wants might well be found in some kind of assisted living facility. He will absolutely have nothing to do with that. Of course not. We are spending our money on him, and he does not want to spend any of his own money on himself. He has a pretty good income coming in - from pension, social security, and rental properties. Saving it all. I have asked him for what? He cannot tell me. now my sister has lost her job and he will not help her either. I'm just tired, tired of helping this man who is so selfish. I have a hard time loving him right now. If I could find a study that said that older people live longer in assisted living than they do when living in a home with adult children, I would have it made. I bet he would consider moving.
I was raised by parents quite a bit older than me - they were both in their mid-late 40s when they had me. I am now in my 50s. I have two brothers, who I never see - one of them took off years ago, terrified he'd have to 'help out'. At the ripe old age of 17, my father told me that I needed to get married and 'then all would be good'. My mother always impressed upon me that working wasn't for women - women should stay home and do the housework and mind the kids - and the daughter should stick (literally) by her parents. Well, thankfully, I rebelled against my dear father's wishes and I studied hard and got into a career - where I'm still at today. I have looked after both my parents, and still look after my mother, though from afar. A while back, I found myself trying to inflict the same pain onto my daughter that my mother (and father) inflicted on me when I was growing up (we live by our parent's mistakes...but don't have to do same). Thanks to some good counselling, I was able to stop and give her a more realistic upbringing in today's society and culture - and encourage her to go on and continue learning and growing. I have posted here before but have gained solace from posting, returning and reading other's comments. Thanks.
All these posts are extremely interesting. When we have toddlers that misbehave, we are told to ignore their tantrums and not enable or encourage this type of behaviour. Yet, when our elderly parents display similar unpleasant traits, we do everything we can to ease their burden, but increase our own. Arent we just exemplifying their behaviour??
I too have a difficult Mum, who has always been a difficult and critical Mum. My sisters and I are finding it increasingly hard to satisfy her needs, but my youngest sibling has decided to pull away and hold Mum at arm's length. If I had the guts I would do the same!!
I will try to synopsize this as best as I can. My mother is 85 years old. My wife and I are staying at her apt for about a month here and there. She was a well known actress in South America and everything is all about her. She held the home together when my father was alive. He was an entertainer and an alcoholic. To the public he was charming, talented etc. To me, he was a nasty prick and a cheater. Beatings, humiliation, put downs, anything he did for me felt like he was doing me a grand favor. I'm an only child. I am a young 56. She is very egocentric, demanding, insulting and generally at this point in time quite grotesque. She demands my help. When I help her with anything she starts arguing and talking to me like a worthless piece of shit. No matter what I do, something is always wrong. She smells, is slovenly, obese, rude to my wife. I read her the riot act when I have to. This is stressing me out. Although throughout my lifetime I always had her economic support the mental and spiritual part was to put it gently, lacking. Although she has taken hits in her life, that is not my fault. She is always correct and we are all wrong. She has alienated those close to her including her grandaughters and then wonders why. When I pointed out to her, back in the day when her faculties were sharper and presently, that it was not her "right" to offer her harsh, unsolicited comments and "advice" she acts as if she is the victim. Sadly, I'm her only son and out of allegiance to her because she is my mother, I'm now at the point in my life where I'm keeping an eye on her. All my life was spent in fear of my father and his fucking cancer that lasted 26 years and now with my mother who has become a monster. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER HAPPINESS. I have pointed this out gently and forcefully. Since I met my wife my life is much better, but missy is full of resentment and when I've called her on it she insists that she isn't. When she talks to me there is not just impatience in her tone but hatred. Then she says she loves me. To tell the truth when my father died I was more relieved than saddened and sadly, although she is my mother, I do not like her and have no more empathy or compassion. I can't take this anymore. When my wife, God bless her, says that we could have her into the nineties I get filled with dread. The truth is I wish she'd die already or I die. I've had enough. I don't know what to do. How to continue and find that calm place in my inner self where I can accept this situation with equanimity. And I don't feel guilty anymore. Guilt, humiliation, not respecting my individuality and uniqueness in a healthy way, the beatings were their tactics. This coupled with economic generosity mad for some very weird mixed feelings. Please, I wish she would go already. Enough. Maybe I'll die before she does. Please help. I need to find some kind of support group to help me endure this.
I, too, thank everyone for the comments. My mother is almost 89 and is mean and hateful to me. My brother, aka The Precious One, can do no wrong, is @ 600 miles away and living his life, seeing mother once or twice a year. I am 5 minutes away, see her once a week, call every day and do all I can. Last fall she broke her leg and fell, yes in that order, and I beat the ambulance to the hospital.
I cannot do enough for her. Now she is angry at me (who knows why?)and just bites every word in half when she talks to me.
I know she is depressed and have called her Dr. to talk @ Mother's depression, but when Mother goes to her, she is "such a sweet, happy lady that I see no signs of depression." So apparently her evil twin comes out when I show up.
I have sought help from my brother, you know his name, and he tells me to just keep doing what I am doing.
Her great grandsons are here and I asked her over for supper. She refuses to come because she doesn't want them to remember her as an old lady who can't hear. Wait, she has been that way for the past 10 times they have seen her. Why is this time any different?
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. After reading the comments, I have decided to continue to call her every day to check on her and to end every one of our conversations with "I love you." Isn't the scriptural direction to be kind and therefore heap coals of fire on their heads?
Thanks, everyone.
Now excuse me, because despite my determination for the future, I have to go throw up now because she has upset me so much today I am physically ill.
I don't know how we can help elderly parents who seem determined to put us in an impossible situation. My in-laws live in Hawaii and we are here in the midwest. They are now on the decline and don't get along with each other. One has recently had a gall bladder attack and they wouldn't do the surgery because he had a weak heart. So, instead of a fairly simple surgery, he had to have a procedure to drain it with a tube. I knew that he would have problems with this and he has. He has pulled it out twice now and has become septic, as in very sick, due to this. We were visiting while all this happened and now their other kids are there. Meanwhile, his wife had a joint replacement and couldn't be there with him, nor does she care to be there. My own mom is 88 and still wishes to drive and also lives far away. She shouldn't be driving and my brother has made up excuses, as in needing her car, since he says his own is in the repair shop. I don't want to fight with all these people. You won't win in a court of law unless they are deemed mentally unstable and even then it is a very difficult process to take things over for them. I am also beginning to wonder how we got here? I know that my own parents didn't fret over their parents and my grandmothers both lived a long time, into their 90's and lived some distance from my immediate family. As my mother always says, when it is time to go it will be time to go. I think I am going to take her advice and chill out.
I'm glad I found this website. I am a single 55 year old women who has my 89 year old aunt living with me. She complains constantly about everything and everybody, is mean and hateful, thinks everyone in the world cheats her out of something. She is the hardest person to please and is never satisfied about anything. I usually just let her rant and rave (which is constant every waking minute I am around her). Sometimes she pushes me to the point to where I'm tired of listening to it and I ask her "why do you have to be so negative about everything?" She then starts to cry and tells me I'm being mean to her and goes to her room and closes the door. She's selfish and thinks everything in life is about only her. My mother, her sister can't deal with her. My mother and I are close and she has told me that she's been that way all her life. My mother feels bad that my aunt is living with me instead of her, but I know my mother would not put up with her attitude for long. Also my elderly uncle lives with me. My mother and my aunts younger brother, he's 76. He is totalling opposite of her and is a delightful person to be around. However, he is an alcoholic and is getting to the point where he cannot walk very well. My mother also feels bad about him living with me but she doesn't not drive and it would be hard for her to have to take care of him at her age, she's 81. To strangers and for those who don't know my aunt, they always think she is this sweet little old lady who wouldn't hurt a fly. Boy do they have it wrong! Anyway, having 2 elderly relations living with me has been a challenge. I love them both and am doing what I can but it is getting harder to deal with them. Currently I am unemployed but will be working soon and I wonder how much longer I can take care of both of them. Anyway, thanks for all the comments. It gives me a little more strength to help them.
I am the sibling who has pulled away, and keeps the mother at arms length. the best revelation i ever had was that you don't have to love a person just because they gave birth to you--in fact, you don't even have to like them. a parent has to earn their child's love and respect, by being a good and nurturing parent. If they are not, that is not the child's problem, nor is it the child's responsibilty. When my mother gets difficult, i withdraw even further, until she "settles" down. i only call or visit when i feel able to talk with her calmly, and then only discuss neutral interests and only engage in activities that we both find interesting. she has learned that if she wants any interaction with me, she has to be: a) pleasant b) non-critical c)not nosy d)not unreasonably demanding. i do not get involved in her medical care, nor will i ever. (she is a real crazy maker in this dept.) if/when the time comes that she has to be put in residential or assisted care, i will do it with or without her consent, and if she tries to fight with me about it, she can just make it in her own. i just don't care. this may sound terrible to many of you, but for me, its the only way i could survive. good luck to all of you.
Thank you to all of the posters.
My 81 year old mother was bitten by one of her cats a month ago, and in her true “Borderline Personality Disorder” fashion, refused to go into the ER - even when her Doctor of many years implored her to go immediately for IV antibiotics (she was bitten by a cat – not the same one - about seven years ago and was hospitalized at that time, for five days). She did not want to go into the hospital because she can't stand being there; now, she is paying a dear price for her refusal to go. She was admitted with a raging infection in her lower leg about 10 days after the initial bite. The Docs did two debridement surgeries, drilling two holes down to the bone, to remove the dead flesh. After eight days of IV antibiotics and two surgeries, they agreed to let her go home with a "Wound Vac" attached, and wrote a script for a homecare nurse to visit three times/week to change the filler in her leg. Mother was very difficult in the hospital and she and my father were fighting because she is so demanding/difficult/narcissistic/etc, etc. My 16 year old daughter had gone to stay with her in the hospital, and I regret that I let her go now because she was traumatized by the whole event. I was on a business trip, keeping in touch with them every day (several times a day), and my daughter commented, "Grandma is truly insane and needs to be committed." Mother goes home from the hospital, and proceeds to walk around more than she should and to go out to get her hair and nails done. The Wound Vac would not stay in place; and as a result, she blamed the device for breaking down, causing her too much pain, and she had it sent back to the company (choosing to forego the treatment). She’s depressed and cries a lot. She is like a toddler, but way more unpleasant. I visited after she got out of the hospital, and after an hour, I felt I was going to throw-up. I had to drink wine to calm myself, to be able to stay there for another few minutes. Today, she said she loved my dad but that all he cared about is his work, and that he never does anything to help her (he had forgotten to take the trash to the curb, as he was executing is 35-item “To Do List” prior to work this morning. She said she can’t live with him anymore and will be looking for another place to live. I called my dad today too and asked him to have her committed, and he downplayed it, saying he just needed to be 'nice' until she gets over this. I haven't read much (if anything) above about the resentment felt towards the enabling/nice parent. I love my dad immensely, he's my hero, but I also resent him for not putting his foot down with her and being more accessible, over the years. I am adopted, and I thank God I have a great relationship with my birthmother. I am also an only child. My mother was good in many ways, taking care of my needs and being the best mother she knew how to be; but she was a severely abused child during the depression and never learned what parental love was. I really feel for her in that regard, but as I have learned over the years, the only thing I can do is to love her from a distance. I saved my own sanity (and that of my husband and two kids) by moving 200 miles away and just visiting on occasion. To the poster who said he wishes his mom would die, that is a perfectly normal emotion in a child with a mentally ill parent. I have wished many times that my mother would die, not only to 'release' my father so he can have just a couple of years of normalcy (although, sadly, he probably wouldn't want it or even recognize it). More importantly, I wish she'd die so that she can be released from her constant mental torment. There is a book that I consider my Bible: Understanding the Borderline Mother, by Christine Ann Lawson. After researching and reading for two decades and trying to find validation and understanding, this book has saved me.
My 86 year old dad is driving me nuts. He just bought a 3rd home without consulting anyone- now have 2 here and one in Florida. He is now selling family items to Flea markets for $200 a truck load- some of it pretty nice. (We did divide the nicer pieces amongst family) Won't sell to me. He moved into a condo here from a larger house. My siblings live 4 and 10 hours away. Help!
To the anonymous poster re her dad and his spending antics... I'd suggest you contact your lawyer about gaining power of attorney. You may also need to have him assessed as part of this processed, i.e. by a geriatrician, since he may be entering into (or already there) dementia and thus at a risk to himself and his livelihood.
To the July 25, 2010 Anonymous, above: Your ideas would seem to make a lot of sense, and yet I think it's important to point out that they might not actually be helpful. One cannot force a person to give another person a power of attorney, and once given, the power of attorney can be revoked at any time. Nor can a relative force a person to undergo assessment by a physician. People are presumed to be competent, and are perfectly free to exercise very bad judgment with their money (and other behavior), so long as they are not actually placing themselves (or others) in significant and imminent danger of physical harm.
Unfortunately, a lot of elderly people are in the early stages of dementia, and they are exercising very poor judgment, and often nothing at all can be done about it (legally, or medically), until they get a whole lot worse.
The legal option that can be pursued, when things get really bad, is guardianship. It is an expensive and lengthy process, unfortunately.
This is a phenomenal site...I have been so depressed lately because I have temporarily "divorced" myself from my 80 year old narcissistic mother. It has been 3 weeks since we've communicated and, as always, I am feeling the guilt. Each time we are together, it is very stressful. If she wears something new and I don't comment on it, she blows up. If she buys something new for the house and I don't mention it right away, she gets pouty. She is hard of hearing, has cataracts and refuses to get help although she can afford to. It is very difficult to communicate with her as she doesn't hear well and what she does hear is misconstrued. My mother has to have control over everything, she is always right, and I am the ungrateful daughter...even though I do everything for her. My younger sister finds excuses to not get involved - her favorite excuse is she is a "professional" and has a family - I am divorced for 17 years, unemployed and my children are grown. My mother won't ask us for assistance, although she will allude to her poor health and how lonely she is since my father passed away last year. She has always pitted my sister and I against each other...playing both sides. I've even caught her in blatant lies this way and she seems to be lying more and more to cover for all the lies she invents. She has even started to believe her own lies! She won't ask my sister for anything because she doesn't want to "bother" her and doesn't want my sister's in-laws to know she wants assistance, but she feels free to assume that I will do everything for her. So I feel sorry for her and visit with her, take her shopping and to doctor appointments, do her yard work and whatever errands she has for me; never ever getting a thank you, or I appreciate you doing this for me. During my entire life, I don't ever remember her telling me that she loved me. My son and I took her out for the holiday and ended up eating at a nice restaurant overlooking a lake located in another town about an hour away...it was really turning out to be a nice afternoon for once. When we left, we took a different route home and passed a few other restaurants. When she saw the other establishments she indignantly asked why we didn't tell her about these other restaurants as she might have liked to eat one of them instead. She is so selfish and self-centered. Then she started a tirade in the car about how she never liked me as a daughter and she would have traded me if she could have. It turned into a full-blown argument with her storming into her house and leaving my son and I wondering what happened. My son is disgusted with her and won't talk with her. My other son (who moved 11 hrs away from our dysfunctional family) says I should just leave her alone. But still I feel guilt because she lives in her own view of the world and everyone else is wrong and I feel I should know how to straighten things out for her. Sigh...I don't know how to approach her, so I've just given up.
Wow,
that sounds so like my mother that I am floored.
Their should be a sub set catagory for these "difficult " elderly parents who are over and beyond just difficult. They are truly selfish, abusive, narcissistic, bipolar, and sometimes downright evil elderly parents. It sounds like this is the antithisis of what a typical elderly parent would be, but this is the reality of what some of us middle aged children with children of our own are dealing with.
It is disheartening, exhausting, confusing, and I would surmise damaging to our own physical and mental health including a destructive force on our families.
It is elderly parents on steroids, so to speak. It is intensified exponentially from the typical "problems" that an adult child has to deal with most of the time.
It is heart wrenching, heart breaking, maddening and horrific for the adult children living this nightmare.
And still, you know it's your duty and expectation of God and society t do this and get the job done. And we want to. S very badly "do the right thing". And we try, and we try, and as you go 2 steps foward, you end up 2 steps backward due to the elderly pafrents beligerance, and all I have mentioned already. It is a heartbreaker. Fot sure.
So where does one begin to realize where a no win catch 22 situation is workable or not? When does duty leave off when extreme abuse come in...on the part of the elderly obstinent narcissistic, demanding parent leave off??? and what to do about it??? Anyone have any answers??? I am all ears. My elderly mother has always been like this. She is just much worse now that she is elderly. She s destroying our lives, and our quality of living. I have to take pills for my nerves just to be able to deal with her. How much sacrifice is expected??? She swallows you up into her dysfunctional life then spits you out. Her motto is "What can YOU do for ME".
To Dr. Delany Dean,
You just can't imagine the immense service you have provided to folks such as us who have to deal daily with abusive, difficult elderly parents. I am extremely grateful to have found this site and to realize I am not alone in this context. Unsure as to what to do about it though, just taking it a day at a time.
At this moment I am not on speaking terms with my elderly mom because I tried to tell her that getting a hearing aid would help her and she took offense. When I try to call, she hangs up on me. We live only 7 minutes from each other. This is tearing me apart...and I'm sure the balance of the family has heard what a terrible daughter I am. What to do?
BTW, your photographs are simply gorgeous.
We went through the hearing aid battle with my mom many years ago. Everyone in the family had to help and insist that she needed one. Now, many years later, she still doesn't care to wear it as she has many excuses to not wear it. It doesn't fit right, it has background noise, etc. My brother took her to one of the best places in St. Louis to get this done, and they went through a long process of fitting, etc. and she now still says it doesn't work the way it is supposed to work. It was a very expensive item as well. For the most part, we have held the line with my family and my in-laws in terms of spending a lot of money on their care. I think this is important. It is the responsiblity of your parents to take care of their own expenses as much as possible. As middle class parents ourselves, we can hardly take on this added financial burden. Most recently, my 88 year old mom has decided she wants a dog. I hope this works out though I am afraid it is a bit unrealistic. My husband is an orthopaedic doctor and often sees elderly people who have been injured by a cat or dog who tripped them. I don't think she will be able to take the dog out as much as the dog needs and I don't think she realizes how much is involved with picking up after the dog, she doesn't even have a fenced in yard. I tried to tell her that the neighbors won't appreciate a dog pooping in their yard, but I don't think she understands any of this.
What a blessing to have found this site! I thought my mom was a rare bird but now I know she is in large company.
She expects me to be her constant companion, servant and 'food buddy'. I stand up to her and maintain my boundaries as much as possible but it isn't easy.
My mother was angry and abusive as far back as I can remember. She has an angry and stern expression on her face, even when she is sleeping. When she does happen to smile it looks unnatural on her face.
I am her only child. Thank God! She has alienated all of her siblings and she has no friends. My family wants nothing to do with her. Everyone is terrified of her.
I'm so tired of all the "Mama drama". She is only 71 and has been 'dying' for 20 years. I'm sick of it!
She is morbidly obese, smoked heavily for more than 30 years, has diabetes and denies herself no unhealthy food. She turns her nose up at all things nutritious. Her food choices are based upon the food craving of the moment. There is NO self control whatsoever.
She has thyroid disease, kidney disease, fatty liver, congestive heart failure, lymph-edema, cardio-vascular disease, fibromyalgia, neuropathy, extremely high blood pressure and takes more pills than I can count. She abuses diuretics and congratulates herself for losing weight when she becomes dehydrated. Her doctor has warned her but she persists in this destructive behavior.
I help her a great deal and she criticizes everything I do. I am a great cook. My recipes win awards! She says my cooking is like leather and tastes like ca-ca. Ca-ca??? Is that a word? Did I even spell that right?
She is rude to everyone, but her most recent visit to the emergency room (panic attack) took the cake. Because of her diuretic abuse she couldn't get out of bed fast enough to get to the toilet so they brought a potty chair to set by her bed. She spent the next 6 hours just sitting on it. She even asked me to wipe her fat ass even though she was perfectly capable of doing it herself. It was just too hard for her to reach! It was humiliating!!!!! She has NO sense of modesty and she flashes everybody. When confronted with this behavior she insists 'there is no modesty when you're in the hospital'. Nurses and I scramble to cover her in order to spare total strangers the humiliation of being flashed by a grotesquely obese exhibitionist.
She insulted nurses and called the female doctor who was treating her an idiot. The female nurses stopped coming into the room. Only the male nurses were brave enough. My mother has told me that she loves me 4 times in my life. Once on my wedding day and 3 times that evening in the emergency room. There was NO emergency and I know damn well she doesn't love anyone but herself. Nothing was found to be wrong with her outside the normal chronic stuff. She was very disappointed.
No assisted living place or nursing home will take her when the time comes, unless she were to lose her ability to speak her criticisms and insults. She can't live with us, my husband has insisted on that, and I don't think I could take it anyway. I do believe I would become suicidal. She is deep in debt and we have no extra funds to pay for any quality of care. Medicaid will have to suffice.
Why did I have to have this kind of mother?
My precious father-in-law passed away recently and my mother became jealous of the attention my husband needed and deserved from me and our children at this time. She used her 'Mama-drama' to try to prevent me from being with my husband that day and she even tried to prevent me from attending the funeral.
Despite her treatment I know God would want me to see to her needs and I try to honor that. I want to do the right thing by her but she makes it very difficult if not impossible. I know this sounds horrible but I wish she would just die. There, I said it. I feel better now.
Thank you all for being so honest. I just googled difficult elderly parent, and this blog came up. I have both my parents who at times can be pleasant, but no matter what I do it is never enough. My father is 81 and still drives and does his gardening, but he is starting to make stupid financial choices, and his memory is going. My mother is 79 and mostly blind in one eye, and has hypertension. I have 3 siblings who visit them 3 or four times per year. I visit them at least every two weeks, and call them at least 3 time per week. It is always the same complaints but when I got them meals on wheels they cancelled it because they did not like it, when I offer to get them a cleaning person, they refuse, when I offer to get mother a reading assistance aparatus she refuses because she is going to die anyway. She has been saying she is going to die anyway since I can remember for all my 55 years of life. They have always depended on me to translate for them, to fill out forms for them, to make calls for them. My father will sit there and hand me the phone to make a call for him even though he is perfectly capable for many years. Lately I give the phone back to him and tell him that when he has not hands, mouth, or ability to speak then I will do it for him.
I try to be compassionate, and imagine them as little children like the buddhist say. But they have always been children and I had to be the adult since I was a child. I am an adult now, a successful adult with a husband, two wonderful children, and 3 step children and 6 grandchildren. I keep learning to set boundaries, and try to do it in a firm but loving way. They have chosen to isolate themselves from everyone instead of be sociable. I hope to never make my children feel they owe it to me to take care of me.
I came across this blog, and honestly, am relieved to hear that someone else deals with some of the same issues I have to deal with as the eldest sibling of an 84 yr. old father. My father is uneducated & by that I mean he has a 9th grad ed., my mother passed away 3 yrs. ago -they were married 56 yrs. I am 57 & extremely depressed about the issues I have with him. He was "the boss" while we were growing up & he & mother had few friends, always finding fault with everyone they met. It's been hard for me to be open minded enough to accept people & have healthy relationships because of this dysfunction I was raised in. My father only sees things in black & white with no gray areas & so he can't handle being around someone who might have a better idea or opinion of an issue. Now that my mother is gone, he has no one to support him and his righteousness. One of my sisters is gay & he doesn't have much of a relationship with her at all. My other sister conveniently moved 1,000 miles away with a new husband & my brother the "god" of our family can do no wrong in my father's eyes. My father will go to extremes trying to prove that he's still young - driving at midnight from out of town while on a hunting trip, trying to change the oil himself in his truck, climbing on the roof to clean the gutters & on and on. He's had several near-misses with some of these things & always makes sure to call me to let me know. When I say he doesn't need to be doing those kind of things, he comes unglued & starts treating me like a child who knows nothing about anything. He would never do my siblings this - I know because I have asked them. They seem to think I "let" him do this to me. I feel guilty all the time about not visiting him enough & doing things for him, but honestly, he makes me sick to my stomach everytime I'm around him. I don't want to hurt him - he's an emotional person (always has played that card with me) & cries about how much he loves me & misses my mom & wishes he were with her. I don't know how to handle him anymore - I feel like I'm going to just lose it and really say some things to him that have been inside of me since I was child. thanks for letting me vent...
My mother is 86 years old, currently living by herself in a condo. But, for health reasons she will soon need to make some changes. She has 7 children, all of whom live closeby. The only one of her children that she wants to live with is me and the reason is because I'm the only one who is not married. Why, you say, should that make a difference? Because, if she lives with one of her married children her ability to control & manipulate would be diminished due to the presence of a spouse (son-in-law or daughter-in-law). Also, she doesn't want her sons-in-law and daughters-in-law to know what a "bitch" she really is......as if they don't know already. She, of course, will not tell me that this is the reason so she'll say other things like "oh, you've always been my favorite"......yeah, right!!??
Another thing that bothers me is that, because I am not married (I'm a single Mom), I do not have a spouse's paycheck. I have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet, while some of my siblings are very well-off and/or retired already. I just don't feel that I should be taking the brunt of this burden when the time comes, which isn't far off. Not only should it put a strain on my household finances but I don't have the room for her; I currently live in a 3-room apartment with my son. Which brings me to another point, that being that some of my siblings live in huge homes with tons of empty space.
My mother has made it clear that she does not want to live in a "home". She's old school, where when your time comes you go to live with one of your children. I know that none of my siblings want her and it's because she is so controlling and manipulating. But I do feel whatever happens I should not be impacted, or at least not more than 1/7th.
Help !!!!
To the anonymous poster who says that her mom is from the old school and wants to live with you... think about this - what if you (YOU) died tomorrow? Where would that leave her? No doubt she'd survive - maybe not optimally in her mind, but she'd survive! And where would that leave your child/ren?? I know it's not a pleasant thought (dying), but from my experience I was one who couldn't say 'no' and I ended up getting *very* sick. As a result my entire family - my own kids - suffered and so did other things in my life. Now, I see her every second weekend and physically spend 5-6 hours with her; I also manage all her other things inbetween - still, she complains that that is not enough. On top of that, every time I see her she says that 'this (time)' will probably be the last time I'll see her since she won't be around for much longer (manipulation). Saying 'no' can be hard - but, faced with the other possibility - or consequences - it can very quickly become easy/ier!
My 90 year old mother will not keep her apt. clean. She has a girl come in once a week to clean but my mother is never around to let her in. I spent two hours cleaning last week and she never said thank you. I've had it! I have ms and can not do it anymore. She has 7 children and I am the only one that helps her. What am I suppose to do? I depresses me and puts me in a bad mood. I would like to put her in assisted living but I cannot afford that.
I just searched on difficult elderly parents and found this blog. Wow! It looks like there's a screaming need for a sounding board and practical solutions for those of us dealing with difficult situations. I, myself, am an only child dealing with a 93-year old mother who is experiencing paranoid delusions and is not cooperative in getting help for herself. What resources are available, at low to no cost, out there to help us with our difficult, or worse, parents?
I am relieved to read your posts and know that I am not alone in this frustrating situation of parenting our parents. My parents have lived with me since 1998. My mom died 6yrs ago of cancer. She suffered miserably, I cared for her willingly as she smiled and was pleasant until her dying day. She loved and appreciated everything we did for her. My 84 year old father is my "difficult" parent. He has mild asthma, high blood pressure and is hard of hearing. He has always been stubborn, judgemental, highly critical and off center in his views. He picks on my kids, husband, and me. He buys things he likes to eat then berates us for not wanting any. He hordes food in his room to the point we have had a moth infestation. He insists on running a window unit air conditioner (summer and winter) in addition to our central air. Our electric bill was $1300 this month. He adjusts the thermostats then denies he has done it. Needless to say, my marriage is suffering as my husband is feeling overrun in his own house.
My father still drives and sometimes insists he needs to go for a drive at 10 or 11 at night because it helps his asthma. He has been dying of asthma for the last 30 years. I am at my wits end. I have spoken to him repeatedly about these issues, he improves then falls right back to his old ways. I have little help as I am the only daughter with two brothers that are saddled with their in - laws as well. In emergencies my brothers have always run to help. However, the day to day care is up to me. The strain of my father's care in addition to caring for my children, husband, house and working full time is wearing me thin. Thank you for creating a forum for me to vent. Any suggestions for stress relief is greatly appreciated.
In reading all these comments from adult children of "challenging" parents, I can't help but wonder......it seems that the elderly parents should take at least some responsibility, meaning not be dis-courteous, or dis-respectful to their children, and maybe be thankful to their children for what they do for them. There's no excuse for rudeness, manipulation, controlling, beligerance, etc., unless, of course, they are demented.
I'm just so sick & tired of the elderly walking all over everyone and being rude about it to boot.....just because they're elderly. Like it's a license or something.
I'm not saying that we should not love & respect our parents, but where is their responsibility here? Do they have none? It's a different world today than it was when they were our age. In today's world both spouses have to work, and sometimes even with that they can't make ends meet. And, in this economy people are losing their homes left & right. Not to mention, some of us are at risk of losing our retirement money, and college costs (for our children) are skyrocketing, and it just goes on & on.
Don't our elderly parents see that we're not simply sitting with our feet up sipping mint julips all day.......with nothing but time to spend with/on them?
Anonymous
Like many others before me I have found great relief in reading all your comments and even the terribly sad stories. I had written heaps and then I deleted it all. Just being able to express myself in a safe forum, knowing others understand, is enough. Writing down the words so I could read them myself, was such a help. Thanks to all of you for your honesty.
Reading all these stories makes me feel a little better. I'm not alone-but I feel very alone most days.
My mother is 86yrs. old. She has always had psychiatric issues-for as long as I can remember. To say that she was not a kind, loving mother is an understatement. My father, who passed away several years ago, gave into her demands. She turned away many people who wanted friendship. Her family had to care for her in every way, enduring intense criticism when things were not to her liking.
She has cardiac/blood pressure problems. She is very uncooperative with her medical care and criticises her very patient, wonderfyl doctor. Recently, she was diagnosed with breast cancer--the biopsey alone was an adventure--very critical of all those wonderful medical people that treated her with kindness.
She has three devoted middle aged children who visit daily. Refuses live-in help. We all have children of our own, jobs and busy lives. She feels all should be set aside to cater to her needs.
That being said-we are all at wits end. We are all very tired, depressed, abused and just simply at a loss. What next?
The situation has gotten so difficult, that we must brace ourselves to go to her home just to see how she doing?
We take care of her completely--pay her bills, food shop, obtain medications, take her to doctor visits, do the yardwork. We're exhausted and depressed.
I don't ever want my own children to have this type of burden.
To add to my post above, my elderly mother was mentally ill since I was about 5 years old. I'm now 56. She was cold, abusive-mentally and physically. She never uttered a kind word. She never took care of us when we were ill. We were never taken to a doctor. She never had sympathy for anyone. She only cared about herself. She manipulated our family and inflicted chaos upon us. My father was ashamed of her illness. He made everything look perfect to outsiders. I wonder how many people knew how dysfunctional our family really was. She never wanted her children around when we were young. She frequently commented how she should have never had us. She even went so far as to tell my younger sister that she wanted to abort her. We truly endured intense mental and emotional pain. And now-here we are-being forced to care for a mother that never cared for us. Her expectations are truly ridiculous in light of our family history. We try our best, but it's difficult not to be resentful. We don't care for her out of love, but simply out of a sense of responsibility. I always envied my friends, who had loving wonderful parents. Why were we dealt such a difficult hand? It's truly diificult for us all.
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