I saw a review, in the NYT, of a TV documentary, "Caring for Your Parents." One physician, John Murphy, was quoted as saying that "the single most important variable to never spending time in a nursing home is having a daughter." And of course that tore at my heart... I am a daughter! Why can't (or won't) I just take care of my own mother, in my own home, like I ought to? Certainly, that is what my mother expects of me, and has always expected of me. She has always demanded that I be at her beck and call, at the drop of a hat. She has been perfectly capable of hiring caregivers, drivers, housekeepers, but unwilling to do so (perhaps knowing that they would not put up with the abuse she routinely dishes out)... But the review also notes some unpleasant facts that are often disregarded in these chirpy, upbeat TV shows:
“Caring for Your Parents” examines a handful of families... who have turned their lives over to the physical and emotional needs of elderly parents. The sense of devotion that [these caregivers display] display, the idea that whatever compromises they are making are intrinsically worth it, permeates the film and hampers it, creating a world in which all men and women behave honorably and admirably.In each case study the camera lingers on the images of the elderly when they were young and happy, the presumption being that all the parents we’re seeing gave their children lives rich and full. No one resembles the ornery and selfish patriarch of “The Savages,” the recent fictional film that regarded the same subject with more complexity and skepticism, examining how grown children respond when they are obliged to care for parents who failed (spectacularly) to care for them. “Caring For Your Parents” leaves the impression that we all love our mothers and fathers without ambivalence or reservation... "
It turns out that in this TV documentary, Dr. Murphy (who made the comment about daughters) "is in the employ of an affluent 65-year-old woman... who cares for her 91-year-old mother... with a staff of seven rotating aides at a cost of $250,000 annually. Dr. Murphy oversees [the mother's] medical care and meets regularly with the aides as if he were a corporate leader running a project... "
In the NYT "New Old Age" blog, I found this heart-rending comment from "Eliza":
"My aunt is belligerent, loud, uncooperative, demanding, and mean in her dementia. When she was in the hospital for a broken hip, the nurses continually called my uncle, very frail himself, in to control her so often that he nearly died from exhaustion. They didn’t hesitate for a minute to demand that he come in 24/7, even though he was visibly weak from cancer treatment.Nursing homes reject her because they can’t handle her.
Now what? Rejected by the experts, this difficult, dangerous woman is supposed to be successfully cared for at home?
Our medical community is geared to take care of the frail and cooperative dementia patient. The families who really need the help are being rejected."
My mother has been rejected by two assisted-living facilities, so far. In the nursing home that she's now in (hating every minute of it), she has been "difficult." She has used foul language, she regularly refuses her meds, she won't eat dinner in the dining room, and she has hauled off and hit some of the staff members. When I go to visit her, the "visit" usually consists entirely of her demands that I take her home, and her bitter accusations against me and the nursing home staff (and I am convinced that they are very good with her). And the history section in her chart reveals (to anyone who is making decisions about her) that she has a long history of firing her doctors, and getting into arguments with her neighbors. All of this is quite heartbreaking, and also totally beyond my influence or control. She has always been "difficult," but now she is demented and difficult.
So here is another thing I have recently learned about this whole business of taking care of the elderly parent: getting them placed into a good facility is sort of like selling a house. You really have to clean them up nicely and market them effectively. But, in the case of elderly people, the "sale" is never final; if a care facility takes in an old person, but then finds that s/he is too much trouble (they will say: "we cannot meet her needs"), then they will either call you and tell you to come and get her, or they will over-medicate and neglect her. I found that I was not able to do this "marketing" of my mother effectively, by myself. So, I have retained a professional care management person, and I have temporarily taken my mother "off the market." The care manager person I found is a nurse, and she is very experienced in this field. She knows which doctors are best at which areas of elder care; and she knows the directors of all the elder care facilities. She has gotten my mother an appointment, next week, with a neurologist who specializes in dementia and other disorders of old people. She hopes that she will be able to get an accurate picture of what is really going on with my mother, and (we hope) some changes in her medications that might help with some of these "behavioral issues." We'll see. I am cautiously hopeful.
Here's a picture of me when I was a little girl, 3 years old. My mother and I were visiting her parents (her mother was a lot like she is, now; her father was very stern and distant). We were all out on my grandfather's boat, on the St. John's River. The adults are enjoying their evening cocktails. I think I look a bit like "Fluffy/Zuul" in the LOL Cats photo just below (yesterday's post).
57 comments:
I have been searching for answers or some kind of help with my Mom. She sounds exactly like yours. She's in her own place right now, but the nurse who visits her is strongly suggesting we seek "assisted living" arrangements. She's already burned herself really bad on the stove and does not walk with a steady gait. Just this morning she's turned away a physical therapist. I just got the call at work. And she will not even talk to me about the assisted living. How do you get them to go? I do not know what to do.
What interesting points you make!!
Your experience sounds similar to mine. No, I don't want my mother in my life to continue being as desctructive as she always has been.
But what we have discovered in recent years is that she has always suffered with higher functioning autism.
It's extremely hard to get people to understand that her 'difficult' (ornery!) reactions are biological not psychological and therefore cannot change unless the environment changes and makes the world, as experienced by her, much safer. How do you make a frightened wild animal feel safe? How would you tame a wild rabbit?
It's not a formal diagnosis but the similarities with my son - who does have a formal diagnosis - well, they're like two peas in a pod.
http://astryngia.blogspot.com/
O.K. It's nice to know we're not alone, but now what??? We need help none of us can find!
Anon, my breakthrough, with my mother, came when I hired an independent geriatric care manager. She found a competent neurologist who (after I had been struggling with this for months) did a proper assessment, and diagnosed dementia. She also helped me get a group of in-home caregivers together, in an effort to get Mother back into her own house. When that didn't work out, she helped me with two subsequent hospitalizations, and then helped me get Mother placed in a very good small-group facility for patients with dementia.
The problem, of course, is that not everyone can find a geriatric care manager like the one we have, and not everyone can afford to hire one.
After all we have been through, Mother and I, my opinion of geriatric medical care in the USA is that it is inexcusably poor.
My 86 yr, old mother and I have had an unhealthy co-dependent relationship all my adult life. She resents my extroverted ,sociable personality and ease with people and is always trying to "dim my light" to brighten hers. We are at the point now, as she is reaching the stage of frailty and dementia, that she is suspicious and toxic with respect to everything I do for her, She would not be in my life at all if I didn't feel this daughterly obligation. Her refusal to integrate with residents in her retirement home puts the onus on me for all her needs and it's wearing me out. This experience is teaching me how NOT to persecute your family when you get old and to try to enjoy the days you have left.
I'm a 57 yr. old former high school teacher and I need a break!! I forgot to mention that I have a 59 yr. old brother living in Austin Texas who visits 2 days a year but is the apple of her eye....
Brenda, I feel for you. It's a terrible strain. I suppose my best suggestion for you would be to go ahead and take a break. Let her sink or swim, at least to some extent. The more I have "backed off" from allowing my mother to use me as a person to complain to, to blame, to order around... the more I realize that she is really doing OK in her facility, when I am not around. It is mostly when I show up that she shows her bitter, nasty personality.
Wow my 81 year old father sounds a lot like the folks mentioned in this string. He is 81, is very forgetful but has not "formerly" been diagnosed with dementia but we all know it's there. He showers twice a month maybe, and everyday just "bird baths in the sink". His clothes are all from a thrift shop, and he dresses in rags. he has 3 stents in his heart, partially his fault for not taking his lipitor when he thought it was a weight loss pill and it wasn't working... He has threatened the neighbor to punch him out because the neighbor lit up a cigarette on the outside porch. Finally I took the reigns and told him about elder services, that they would clean his house (which desperately needs it as dad misses the bowl a lot now), bring him food, and send in a visiting nurse once a week. He agreed that this was a fantastic idea. When I called him and said they were coming down for an interview, he declined and said he didn't want "those people" in his house. So, I don't have transportation to get over there right now, and even if i did, I do not feel i should have to clean his filthy bathroom when i had people to do that and he refused on it (and made me look like an idiot to elder services). Meanwhile, he has willed his estate and all that he owns to my older, lazy, sister that is a nurse that may call him once every two-three months. But she is the favorite. He calls constantly to see if I will go hang out with him, but I decline. He is mentally abusive as he can no longer be physically abusive, and just plain difficult. I guess all I can do is take phone calls and try to be supportive. I am bipolar myslef and he caused me to have a breakdown once and land in the psych hospital for two weeks. Any support is appreciated here.
Boy it sound like we all live in the same family. My dad died less than a year ago, his headstone is going up soon, I have not had time to mourn him because my mother broke two hips within 6 months, became dependent on me and is now in a rehab home. She constantly complains, and orders me around. She tells everyone that I am a pain the neck. The rehab facility didn't tend promptly to an eye with a discharge and she wound up being blind in one eye. They compounded the problem for me and now I have to accompany her to two eye specialists more than one time a week and are at the beck and call of the ambulette service, who has sent drivers to pick her up....drunk as skunks!!!!
She knows how to act nice when she wants to but overall is not pleasant to be around. I am buying a book about how to set boundries with elderly, difficult parents. I need to know how to keep my health, since I have a wonderful husband and 13 year old son. God has to have a reason for letting my mom experience such pain and suffering. My guess, is that He is cleansing her soul for all the years her selfish behavior led to the pain of other people, such as my dad, my brother and me. God's message to me is to do the right thing to the best of my ability, but the suffering is not meant for me, its for her soul.
To the two recent anonymous posters, just above: you have my complete sympathy. I am glad you are looking for resources and support online; I did that, too, and it helped. The situation doesn't necessarily change for the better, but over time I am gradually beginning to manage my own emotional responses a bit better. It doesn't happen overnight. Once in a while, my mother actually thanks me for all I have done for her over the past year or so, and I hang onto those few words.
Everything sounds so similar to my 81 yr old mother-in-law. She pits her children against each other for as long as I could remember, just to benefit herself.
Now, she's old and frail, with dementia... but still as difficult. We've considered to put her in a home but turned down the idea knowing that they'll most likely reject her. She's still very strong when she wishes sto be, able to yell at people with a commanding voice when she deems fit. She's been absolutely aggressive to her other son-in-law's father and also to my father. I'm keeping her away from my parents.
For now, we have a live-in maid to care for her in her apartment. Once her contract expires in less than 2 years, we really do not know what to do as she refuses to live with any of us.
Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear of this, I certainly understand your frustration. For now, though, it sounds like a bit of a miracle that you and she have a live-in maid who has stuck it out through all this. Maybe it's for the best that she does not want to live with anyone in the family? I do know that none of the choices sound good, in these situations. Sometimes we shoot for the least bad of many unattractive options...
Best wishes to you.
How lucky I feel to have found this blog. I recently had to have my 98 year old mother admitted to a nursing home following a fall that landed her in the emergency room at the hospital. My mother is extremely narcissistic and bordering sociopath. She was an awful person as back as I can remember, and my childhood was anything but a happy one because of her. Now, in my mid 60’s, I’m the only one of her three children to be there for her. My siblings claim to be either too ill or to poor to even visit. She hasn’t seen either of them in over 12 years. I’m totally stressed out, and emotionally drained as her care taker. I’ve spent over two months at her side in the nursing home, while also trying to dismantle her assisted living apartment, which she cannot return to. As it is costing over two thousand a month just in rent, it’s essential we vacate it as soon as possible. Her money is running out quickly, now, and she will eventually need to apply for Medicaid to stay in the nursing home. She won’t accept this and thinks she will be able to go back to her former apartment when she’s physically able to. The truth is she wasn’t able to live alone prior to the fall. She could barely walk or get around on her own and really could no longer take care of herself. Of course, she denies this, and blames me for her current living arrangement. Actually, the care she receives at the facility she is living in is a lot better than I had expected of a nursing facility. Still, I’m trying to get over the guilt that she’s giving me for “doing this to her.” I’m trying not to own this guilt because I know I am doing the best I can do for her, under the circumstances.
Anonymous, your story sounds a lot like mine, in several ways. I totally understand the guilt feelings, and the enormous difficulty of dealing with those feelings. I found that meditation practice ("mindfulness") helped me enormously with that. I learned to notice the feelings, to be compassionately aware of them, without dwelling on them, taking them too seriously, and making them worse. It's a whole lot better than trying to eradicate the feelings, which tends to backfire. And certainly, just knowing that those feelings are "irrational" (emotions, of course, do not respond to a requirement that they be reasonable) does not make them go away...
best wishes,
Delany
Thanks Delany. I think I need to try this. I've heard about mindfull meditation, but I don't know much about it. I'll be sure to look into it.
BB
Well, reading about everyone's situation comforts me a little. My father passed away in early May and my mom, although she is healthy, refuses to do anything for herself. She always wants me to take her places and pick up this and that for her. I am an only child so all this burden falls on me. I work full time, working on a PhD. and have a husband and a daughter. She is, like others have said, sucking the life out of me and running me ragged. I spend a lot of time refusing to do every whim and wish and my dad, rest his soul, simply gave into her to stop the arguing. I feel guilty sometimes for nothing and even when I do things for her, they are never good enough. I really could use a break from her already. Of course, if I go somewhere, she thinks she should go too. No real sense of boundaries for this woman. She talks a lot about her own grieving process, but never has asked how I am doing with my dad's death. Very narcissistic.
Hi,
Interesting to read all your comments. I have 68 year old mother, she is mostly healthy, but does need to take some medications regularly, like coumadin and maintain her diet, which she absolutely hates. She speaks poor English and I'm the one who takes her to doctors. She always complains that I am either not letting her speak English or I don't translate well, though she does not always understand what doctors are saying or is not able to explain herself. She probably feels powerless in this country, and I feel for her, but sometimes I just feel she does not give much credit to everything I try to do for you. Her main thing is that she needs to be needed, and as adult children (I have not very supportive brother) we don't necessarily need her, we would like her to hand out in our houses, but we can't pay attention to her, every minute. She resents us for that and I am getting tired of coming up with projects for her. I recently had a newborn daughter and mom does help with her care, which keeps her mind away from her problems, at the same time it's more difficult for me because she criticizes everything I do with my daughter, making it really difficult to accept her help. anyway sorry this is kind of longer than I expected, but it's just accumulating in my mind and making it difficult
I am at a lose as how to help my 76 year old Mother-in-law. She lives alone, she is unable to walk two steps without falling down but will not use her cane or keep her life alert around her neck or take the medication the doctor prescribed to help with her dizziness. She will no longer go outside her home because she is afraid of falling down. She lays on the couch in the dark all day long. My husband and I take her to the store and her doctor's appointments. We buy her groceries because she tells us that she doesn't have any money but then she will give other family members, who refuse to work money when we know they are using it for their drug habits. They refuse to help her. She refuses to listen to any suggestions or help we try to give. We don't know what to do. Tho
I am very glad to have found this website.
My mother is 90, lives alone in a huge townhouse, refuses help. She finally relented to purchasing a chairlift for getting up/down her first and second floors. But the house is still to big for her (three stories,6 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths).
I urged her to consider living with me. I have a townhouse, too, but smaller, just 2 stories. I could put in a chairlift for her. We live 8 blocks from each other. It's not like she'd be leaving her
familiar surroundings, we are in the same general neighborhood. But she won't budge.
So, I do what I can. She does not have dementia, but she is extremely stubborn and
I am constantly criticized by her for my efforts to help her, sometimes it brings me to tears. She has another daughter, 40 miles away, who she will not "fight" with. Recently, my mother needed to go to the hospital for an x-ray and I
went to her house to drive her to the hospital.
She refused to go with me, I had to call an understanding cousin to try to talk my mother into going with me. It failed. I then had to call her doctor to do same. In the end, 5 hours later, my mother went to the hospital..her other daughter took her, driving 40 miles to get here
when I was just 8 blocks away, ready and able to take her for her x-ray in no time. This is an example of how difficult and stubborn my mother is when I interact with her. (Next time, I will call 911 and have an ambulance meet me at her house, rather than deal with her "fighting" me.
I won't put myself through this anymore.)
I am 58, a school teacher, 4 years from retirement. I will never put my own grown daughter through this, should I evolve to be
a "stubborn old lady"..I'm going into a 55 plus
living arrangement on my own, upon retirement..
and way, way out of state. Mom's welcome to come along if she's still with us..but I don't expect her to budge from that townhouse. I can only hope for the best for her. I can't do a thing to change her stubbornness or her critical ways toward me, I've realized this.
Thank you for this website, it is a great support system.
The common thread here seems to that no one ever just gives up. My 95 year old mother has been toxic since I was a child, going from damaging comments to begging for forgiveness each time. She demands to go home from an assisted living facility but refuses help at home. She has the money for either living situation. Here house and clothes are dirty though from a distance neat.
I have gone through 62 years of this and am ready to just say goodbye - do what you want since you are so independent. I no longer need the stress or even the potential inheritance.
Has anyone ever just given up and divorced dear old toxic mom? Is it possible to love someone you really don't like very much?
Comments and suggestions are welcome.
John
I'm also experiencing difficulities with my 82 year old father who is currently in assisted living and works against me every step of the way. He's never been or will be happy about anything. He's the biggest stressor in my life, even more so than having cancer and gone thru chemo. Even thru that, he thought he should have come first. That's a great question from John -- is it possible to love someone you really don't like very much?
Nancy
To all the Anon's recently posted, and John and Nancy: There is always the question, in these situations, isn't there... Can't I just walk away from this ridiculously painful burden? I have had that question rise up in my own mind, over and over, for more years than I wish to say. And in many ways, the situation has only gotten worse, over the years.
I would never judge or criticize someone from walking away from a situation that is hopeless, one in which all one's efforts are to no avail. Now that I have my own mother in a very good facility, I suppose I am more free to just let all the rest of it go (the visits, the phone calls, taking her to miscellaneous trips to doctors, when I could hire others to do that), but as yet I have not done that.
My own conclusion has been that I would not be able to live with myself if I stopped visiting my mother, while she still knows who I am and wants me to visit. Perhaps if she had other family members nearby, I would see it differently... but probably not. I don't think of my own reason for deciding this way as being an admirable, or positive quality or character trait; I suppose it could be equally well labelled as a weakness (because there is this ongoing toxic presence in my life).
My task is really to engage in the work of acceptance with regard to my own decision about this. To cultivate compassion both for myself, and for my mother, who is bitter, angry, frightened... and (occasionally) charming, witty, and grateful for what I do for her.
Nancy, John, I think the answer is yes, it is certainly possible to love someone that we do not like very much; and it happens more often than we know. Love and duty/obligation are inextricably intertwined. Blood really is thicker than water, I have found.
Best wishes to you all.
Delany
I wish I would have read this several months ago and maybe I would have realized some things. I am now taking care of my mother again for the second time in my life. I grew up taking care of my mother who is a quad until I was 11 at which time I was taken from the home for emotional abuse. Now at the age of 32 I am taking care of her again and it's hard. Esp given that I have two children one of whom as bipolar and aspergers. She is not exactly rude but uses manipulation and disregards any rules I have set for my children. I realize that I have many unresolved issues with my mother and on top of that she does not respect me or others. No one helped me as a young child with mom and most of the family said that was because you just never could do anything right for her. It's a hard situation that I myself have gotten into. I applaud you for figuring out before getting into the situation.
I can only say that we are all torn by the bond from our early memories of the parent/child relationship. As our parents age and fail, they often become mean and sometimes impossible. Yes, I think you can love a parent that you do not like very much. The love is from the past.... not the person they are now. It is hard to like the person theyhave become sometimes, isn't it? Boy, it really hurts -- I often feel I have to keep enduring demands and irrational behaviour and sometimes nastyness or give up -- detach. I don't think our hearts are programmed to detatch from the person who nurtured you since childhood. God bless this website, we need to all support each other.
Thanks Delany -- this site has been helpful with putting things into perspective and seeing that one is not alone in dealing with the care of elderly parents. It's all part of life, not always one of the more pleasant experiences unfortunately, but part of it. Thanks for the support.
Nancy
My mother is elderly and lives alone.
My brother, the child she loved, died recently. I am the only person that mom has to manipulate or try to.
Mom is very self-centered and could care less about what I may have going on in my life.
Though the travel is difficult for me, she expects me to accompany her to every doctor visit even though she is capable of going on her own. She wants me to grocery shop for her yet she goes shopping for three to four hours almost every day. She wants me to clean her house; put out her trash and do other chores. I have health problems and the physical and emotional stress that she is putting on me is making them worse. She has never respected me and is not about to start now it seems.
When my brother died I suggested that she move in with us. She refused saying that we didn't get along. She did not think that my home was conducive to her needs and I can't buy another one to suit her.
When she begins making demands and manipulating me, visions of my childhood run through my mind. She was a mean and uncaring person. She never wanted to spend a dime on my needs. I was very deprived. I rarely was given Christmas or birthday gifts. She criticised me and everything I did. She treated my brother much better.
Her demands and manipulation brings this all back making it difficult to be around her. I am setting bounderies out of necessity. She had me so upset last week that when I went to the doctor my blood pressure was way up and it's usually on the low side. I don't want to have a stroke.
I told her that I will be willing to do what is truly necessary but I am not willing to just do her bidding. I will accompany her to medical visits when my schedule is consulted in advance and there is a need for me to be there. However, if she is able to shop for hours on most days, she does not need a personal shopper or grocery delivery person when she decides she wants one. If she wants her house cleaned, she can hire someone. That's what people do and she can certainly afford this. We do stop by and carry out her trash. She does have someone who does her outdoor work. She'd prefer that my husband do this but he can barely do our own. She feels entitled to be waited upon.
If she can't be independent, she needs to consider a different living arrangement because I cannot allow myself to be run ragged. I live far enough from her that it is not possible to just run over there all of the time. It just does not occur to her that I may have a life and responsibilities of my own. But then she has never considered my needs so why start now. I have to consider my own needs.
I feel angry and put upon. I do not feel guilty. I do not feel as though I owe her anything and I don't appreciate being manipulated.
I think to suggest you have a daughter so she can look after you in old age is a complete outrage and totally short sighted. I don't think you should expect or demand your children to look after you, they have their own lives and elderly people need to realize that.
I really feel an emotional release just reading all of these blogs. I am struggling with my 88 year old mother. She has always been a negative, rather unsocial lady - aging has been an interesting journey for her. My Dad is just the oposite, although allows her to make the decisions. They live in a nice retirement home with wonderful ameneties. I visit several times/week. I want to be supportive to both of them, although they do not drive anymore and refuse to come over to my house this Thanksgiving where all my children will be. We have offered to give them a ride and let them stay only until they get tired. I am very sad, also, because Mom didn't come to my daughter's wedding this June, for the same reason. I will keep trying, and may have to resign myself from thinking about it anymore. I have learned to be much more thankful and tolerable through this experience - I only wish the same for my Mom.
My 62 yr old has suffered 2 strokes and now has many cognitive issues. Physically she is doing well, so begins the struggle. Last week assaulted a nurse at her care home, then taken by ambulance to the ER. Assaulted a nurse at the ER and "escaped" from the hospital. Police found her nearly a mile away, handcuffed her, placed her in the back of the car and took her back to the hospital. She has no money for care, we are trying to get her on state/federal assistance.....but now we do not know if we will be able to find a place that will "accept" her. My fear is the only place left will be a mental hospital where she will be placed on drugs and not well cared for. I am in my 30's, live 2+ hrs away and have 2 small kids of my own, in additiona I am a recent cancer survivor so have my own health to worry about. I am so frustrated that there is not more help or guidance for families and their elderly.
Have to agree with everyone. As they get older, they get more difficult, if that is possible. My motherinlaw in 86, no physical ailments, but has severe depression and dementia and plays on it to her benefit. She throws the guilt around pretty good. I feel for her daughter that has bent over to do whatever to make her happy. I have come to the conclusion no matter what anyone does it is not good enough, she will never be happy. She is a spoiled brat and wants it her way on her terms. She is in assisted living and demands alot of services as if she is in a hotel resort. Finally they saw her game and have stopped accommodating her. She refuses to come down for meals, wants them sent up to her room. She refuses to join in any activities and criticizes the few women that she regards as friends. I don't know what will make her happy, other than doing what she wants which is being with her and entertaining her 24/7. She is warm and has 3 meals prepared for her if she chooses. Other than that she is going to have to make it work. She is not going to ruin my marriage, and suck the life out of me. There comes a time you have to be the adult and put your foot down and say NO. She sees a psychiatrist, which I don't think he can do anymore for her. How can you change a bitter, difficult person? She wants it her way. My fatherinlaw spoiled her to avoid arguments. Her kids did the same. So the problem will never go away as she knows she will get her way. But I think we are all tired of the game she plays and eventually she is going to be alone as we are tired of the million phone calls, and visiting her and listening to her negative comments. It is no longer a joy to be around her, which is sad.
To each of you who have commented: I must say I am a bit amazed that this blog entry of mine has received far more comments than any other. I have mixed feelings about that, of course. I am sad to read about these situations, and to know that so many are experiencing the pain and frustration involved, especially since it is generally understood that one must never speak ill of the elderly. The assumption that we all had and have parents (especially true for mothers) who took good care of us, and who have some capacity for compassion, understanding of the needs of others, is quite difficult to resist. If our situation is or was otherwise, we all know it's best not to talk about it.
On a more positive note, some of you have noted that it has been helpful to read the stories of others, to know that you are not alone. About that, I am pleased.
If you are caring for your elderly parent, or other, I think the most important thing to remember is you. Remember, you're not only looking after them but also yourself (and most likely your own family too among other things). If you run yourself into the ground, then you won't be any good for anyone, including your own family. Two years ago, I started caring for my elderly mother and let myself get so run down running around and doing everything she asked, I got really sick. At the end of the day, I only had myself to blame since I didn't take the initiative to take control; I gave her all the control because I didn't know any better at the time. It is hard when it's your own mother and you do find it hard to 'become the parent' yourself, but inevitably you will probably have to. She may end up hating you but in my case she is well cared for even though she doesn't realize it anymore.
My mother is 88 and is getting extremely frail but is not demented. I am a single 50+ year old woman who has literally put my life on hold for the past 5 years to help her. I moved out of my manageable 2 BR townhome into an older ranch home that needed work to be closer to her. Owning this type of home which has water problems in the basement and a large yard has disrupted my finances as well as my wellbeing. I work full time and commute, putting in a 10 hour day or more sometimes. I spend every Saturday taking her out. The problem is that my younger sister does absolutely nothing to help me. She lives a charmed life about 3 hours away and treats me like a servant. My mother has become very ingratiating towards her because she recently gave birth to my mother's only grandchildren. My mother and I used to get along pretty well but since the grandkids came along, I've found that I'm increasingly unable to tolerate her and my sister's difficult, selfish ways and I'm getting more and more irritable by the day. My mother has her head in the sand about my sister and that hurts me tremendously. I've put my life on hold for her and yet she values my sister more than me because my sister gave her grandkids. It is a real lesson in humiliation. I try to swallow my pain every day and keep trudging along. Mostly I have a very strong faith and am trying to the right thing but it's hard. Many nights I go to sleep crying.
My sense of responsibility smacks of self-righteousness, I fear. Hubris. I am going to be a saint... Morally, is it truly in my elderly father and more elderly aunt's best interests to be waited on literally at the expense of my life? At my age, 60, neither of them did anything of the kind for anyone. My father was a reasonably good provider but an emotional abuser when he was psychically present at all. Although I have great affection for him, in his own final analysis, his provision of funds is all that counts. His taking my mother, may she rest in peace, on trips is all he remembers. "She should have been happy. She had a good life."
Who can put a dollar price on living with an emotionally handicapped person, especially when it's an elderly parent, or caring for a ninety-plus never very nice relative in order to preserve the semblance of independence she wishes? My father can. I'm costing him too much, he says. Neither of them are that demented that they cannot be held accountable for their words, at least some of the time. That occasional token thank you others have mentioned here is not always heartfelt: Manipulative is a word that has been repeated above. Are there moments of grace for all of us? Miliseconds.
My point is, I am learning painfully that a balance must be maintained. I will continue giving because I think it's right, important, compassionate, but I hope I can make more of an effort to restrain my generosity and save a little of me for me. Sometimes they are not going to like this bargain, and sometimes I'm not going to... It's somewhat similar to raising children: I cannot be my best self for them if I lose myself and become this frantic, unhappy, terribly tense shell of me.
Delaney, thank you for this blog entry. While I have taken advantage of it in order to vent, I also believe that the content of this online discussion has real merit (and I'm sorry if you feel bad that it's attract far more comment than your other entries -- you struck a nerve, and you expressed it well!). I, too, have practiced meditation and have other outlets I try to maintain. Nothing feels equal to the stress of trying to be everything to my elderly relatives. (I have gradually obtained some support services for my aunt. My father would never hear of even occasional cleaning help, and he writes the checks.) My best solution is leaving them in the lurch periodically (I'm exaggerating - you know I make every preparation and take every precaution for them) and traveling far away to visit good friends, some of whom have found their own best balance (not perfect) in similar situations. I see that daughters, especially those without partners, seem to have less capacity to say no to the elderly. Some do, however, and become the stuff of family legends about that terrible cousin of ours... who didn't give up her home, friends, career, dreams for her dear old dad or mom. Anybody else blackmailed/shamed that way? So transparent, yet so powerful.
I wish all a balanced, fulfilling New Year. Sounds to me like you, Delaney, and so many others deserve major points for handling these issues long-term in a rational, caring way.
Ditto, Ditto, Ditto...I have gone underground. My mom has sitters but expects me to be there every day. My 16 year old son was killed 7 months ago and she doesn't even realize the stress I am under. On top of all of that, I work full time. She will get her sitters to call me at 1am and wake me up to talk her into taking her medicines. I for one have decided to let her live with her own consequences. I decided not to answer her phone calls and not to visit. The only problem is I haven't told her. I do not think it is fair not to let her know. But right now I am doing the best I can. This is now 18 years of taking care of her. I have been more a mother to her than she ever was to me. I resent it!!. I am losing my mind and she does not care. I feel like the daughter in the black and white version of The Haunting of Hill House. Watch it, that is my mother. So, on Christmas she sat at the table and opened her mouth like a baby bird, but was fully able to pick at her teeth afterward. This is my fault for allowing it and now I am trying to figure out how to live with myself if I get out of it. The story is so long. The offenses so often, so manipulative. My fear, what if I am wrong.
To Kathy, above (who said she stopped answering the phone and going to see her mother). I was in the same situation 2 years ago. My mother just kept pushing and pushing (long story cut short), and one day I just stopped. I felt guilty but I needed to do it to regain some sanity into my life and that of my family. I do think it's important to let her know or at very least have someone else let her know. It may take sometime before she lets up - in my case it took around one year, even after I'd told her I couldn't see her due to health reasons. Believe it or not, the separation has played well for both of us - it allowed her to find her own path and settle into her own life. But it was very painful and I know only too well how you are feeling. I am now able to visit her but on my grounds and when time permits, and without the emotional drain or manipulation.
Now, I'd like to paint a very different perspective on looking after parents. When I was younger I dated (briefly) a couple of guys who were in a sense tied to their parents - interestingly they were sons and not daughters, but in each case they were the only child. The parents made it their goal to rid of any girlfriend fearing they'd lose their 'insurance policy'. Those poor guys couldn't commit to a serious relationship because their parents had locked them into a contract - a contract to look after and care for them for the rest of their natural lives - OR they'd 'allowed themselves' to be locked into that contract. To this day, I know at least one of those guys still hasn't been able to form a long-term relationship since he spent every living minute caring for his parents and is scarred. So my concerns are around why people have kids in the first place. If you have kids expecting them to care for you in old age or to love you for the rest of your life, then that is wrong. As someone once quoted - your kids are on loan!
Some people will always whinge - it's in their nature. My mother is in a 5 star care facility and still whinges at the least little thing. She doesn't realize just how lucky she is. I made the decision a while back not to have her live with us, it just wouldn't have worked out. Thankfully, she had the funds to move into a nice place. I probably won't be so lucky when it's my turn.
I guess the obvious question is... who will look after all the old people? Globally, we're an aging population. Imagine the health care system in 10-20 years' time - when the majority of the global population will suffer from ailments such as diabetes and other obesity-related illnesses - we're already seeing a staggering percentage of these types of illnesses. Not to mention the drug and alcohol issues... Most people probably don't even like to think about it, but it's already happening. And what about our nurses - how many nurses are choosing geriatrics as their profession? I bet not many. It is hard enough to find nursing staff for hospitals let alone for nursing homes. You can't help but wonder.
I would love some feedback to my situation. I have a very difficult mother who is 85 years old, and she won't listen to anything anyone says. She has a fear of illness and at 85, she has several things she is dealing with. No matter what you say to her, she won't listen and she needs help. I feel she has some form of dementia, but Elderly Services has been to her home and asked her 10 questions, which according to them she answered sufficiently, and they feel she is fit. (that is all they did) She won't leave her house to go live in an assistaed living facility, and when I try to help her, she starts to break me emotionally with all her craziness and not accepting any help. What is the right thing for me to do? I've offered her a cleaning service, she said no, her doctor has offered her physical therapy for her ailments, she has said no. She says no because her house is a mess and she basically doesn't want to clean it for them even though the cleaning service would help her with that. (nuts right?) I feel guilty when I'm not helping her, but I can only stand her for so long before I start to need therapy. She has alienated her son with her crazy accusations about him. What does one do in a situation like this? I'm only sharing the tip of the iceberg with her. Is there anything one can do with an elderly person to help them. Her doctor won't share any of her medical history with me unless she approves it, which we know won't happen anytime soon. So here I sit, not having any answers nor solutions to this situation. Any help would be appreciated.
In my case, yes, I am a daughter who has no life of her own, but I stress this is temporary. I truly feel that an elderly parent close to 90 deserves help from their children. Sure, I haven't had a relationship in many years, not all of that is my parent's fault, but yes, caregiving does push away opportunities. I don't regret the time I'm giving her though. In the big scheme of things, a period of 5 years, or even 10 years, is nothing compared to the overall amount of years that I've been free. Prior to my mother needing help, I had a good single life, did much travelling and fun things, worked on my career, had numerous relationships etc. Now it is time to help Mom and I've accepted that brings limitations to my lifestyle. After she's gone I should be able to enjoy another 30 years of doing what I want to do. Why are children so selfish in some respects, that they will not provide help to an old and sick parent, even temporarily, considering that they are not going to be around forever.
I would really appreciate any feedback / suggestions. My 88 year old father has been verbally and emotionally abusive all my life. He wants to move into our house. I am having a panic attack after just talking to him on the phone. He said I'm going to come out there this summer. I will go crazy!! What can I say to him to let him know I can't have him in my home?? I don't want to hurt his feelings but I can't have him here. I have a very high stress job and lots of college loans to pay off for my children (I'll be working till I'm 93). I just can't have him here - he scares me - I don't like him - I don't want him in my home. Help me figure out what to say to him please. Any suggestions are welcome.
Tell him "No!" It's that simple. Tell him how you feel, if you can, and put yourself first. Sounds like he has put himself first all his life. Self-centered people, such as your father, are very good at taking care of themselves. You can't do all you do and then have something around that will drag you down emotionally. He will break you.
I don't know if you are married or not. But you could get either your husband, ex, or a male friend to call him and tell him that he cannot come. It sounds chauvinistic that a man must confront him but I believe your father is in the age group that he respects men more than women. Elderly men in that age group are "old school" or "old country" types who never thought of women as equals and weren't involved much with raising their children. He certainly isn't going to respond to you as if he thinks you are an adult who should be respected. So, use psychology as the weapon rather than fear. Find a male presence in your life to deliver the bad news to him and let him think that there is another man around in your house--he won't want to do battle with another man.
To the anonymous poster above who starts off with .. I have a very difficult mother who is 85 years old, and she won't listen to anything anyone says .. I was in a similar situation myself a few years back. I was driving back and forth to my mother's house up to several times per week - several hours' drive each way - as she began needing more and more medical assistance and other things. She lived in a largish house and after a couple of years started having falls, etc. and needing medical assistance. At the time, I was also working full-time, managing my own family and studying part-time. My brother lived nearby her house, but didn't want to get involved and she would always phone me for things. I tried to remedy the situation by calling in community services but she refused to let them help her, she complained that the community bus wasn't ontime and felt they didn't give her enough attention. I tried having her groceries delivered, but she then complained that the food wasn't good enough, etc. I then suggested she move closer to us, but she flatly refused and when I pushed her she got really difficult and manipulative and started saying things like .. oh well, I suppose I could live here without food .. That's when the alarm bells went off and I decided enough was enough. I put my foot down and decided to take action and move her. If I were you, I'd be seeking Power of Attorney and/or guardianship - she will need this as she gets older and needs medical assistance and it will make it easier when decisions need to be made. I'd also be making an appointment to personally speak to her Doctor about the situation to see if he can suggest a course of action. If you suspect dementia or partial dementia, then it is probably going to be hard to reason with her. But you need to let her know - and be firm but tender - that you can no longer look after her since you are getting sick. Then try asking her what she suggests - put the ball in her court - and see what kind of response that attracts - insist that you need an answer within a certain timeframe, i.e. one week. It may or may not work and you may need to take more affirmative action. It may also help you realize her degree of rationalization, if you suspect any dementia.
To the earlier anonymous poster who suggested that children are selfish not to look after their parents. I commend you on you decision to make the ultimate sacrifice and care for your elderly mother. I said pretty much the same thing several years back before the inevitable happened. It wasn't until it actually happened that things changed. I do think it's a sin to simply ignore your parents and leave them for dead. But having said that, everyone's situation is different and parents are different too. The rosy picture I'd painted myself of planning and caring for my Mom after my Dad had passed was very different when it came to reality. It hit me like a bullet and I wasn't prepared for it. I don't think you can ever be fully prepared. And only those who've gone through caring for elderly or others can understand this. I also commend the owner of this blog for continuing to support this important topic, thankyou. I only wish I'd had something like this back when I really needed it. Now I'm happy to help others going through similar - that in itself is therapeutic.
I stumbled upon this when I googled "how to deal with difficult elderly parents." I am feeling so affirmed! I think my struggles are just about to begin. I am an only child and my 77 year old mother lives 2000 miles away. I think I moved far away by design because my mother is self-absorbed, controlling, manipulative, and disrespectful of my boundaries. In a word, narcissistic. She is having her very first real health challenge: she is having a hysterectomy, during which a biopsy will be performed to look for cancer. She asked me to be there for the surgery and I am going. I'll be there for a week. We do not get along and I am grateful that for at least 4 of the 7 days, she will be in the hospital and I will not have to be with her 24/7.
But the bigger issue looms: as she declines, who will take care of her? She does not have much wealth, nor do I. I am single and work to support myself. I have a 3 bedroom house and I am terrified that she would expect to move in with me when I know I could not handle it. She's from the "old country" where the expectation is that parents live with their children when they get old. It's a taboo subject for us to even discuss what will happen when she can no longer take care of herself. I think I need to be a big girl and, at some point after this surgery, tell her that living with me in the future is not an option because of our extremely strained relationship. I know she will either fall apart, rage at me, or manipulate me with guilt---her trademark. I am willing to be an advocate for her and make sure she is getting decent care in some assisted living situation. I am not, however, willing to be her caretaker. A few of these posts said that it's only right and fair to let a parent know that this is the case so that they can plan their own options. I wish this was a discussion board because I can see that I will need to consult a resource like this again.
If I could add an addendum subject to this post, then it would be something along the lines of 'Risks Associated with Caring for the Elderly' (or Potential Risks). I guess it depends on the degree of care and the personality of the parent/s, and overall situation. But in my case, having lost my father to cancer, having partially cared for my intellectually disabled brother and then having cared for my overly demanding and difficult mother, I lost precious time with my own family. This caused a drift between me and my own children (it was at a critical stage in their development) and a near divorce for me and my husband. Some of you have suggested that those who don't look after their elderly parents are selfish. Well, maybe so. But when you are faced with the ultimate cost of losing your own family then you need to think seriously about the direction you will take. Let's face it, if you are in the situation of having to make a decision between caring for your elderly parents and caring for your immediate family, which do you choose? I envy those who can do both, I wasn't able to and I'm now trying to rebuild that time lost and make it up to my immediate family - it may be too late. I guess in terms of reality, your elderly parent/s will die much sooner than your children (you hope) so you need to find a balance, it's very difficult. On top of all that, consider the emotional drain and potential cost of therapy. Having gone through an extremely difficult time does take its toll and you don't necessarily just bounce back to 'normal' life. Consider also that your own family may be relying on you - being the 'mother' - and if you get sick what will they do? We play many roles!
In my case, between me and my sister, I happen to be the one who lives the closest to our elderly mother, and I have no family of my own. When I started helping Mom (after my father passed away), I didn't have a great relationship with her. I felt some of the same hegatives that the people on this blog say about their own parent. However, over time, we developed a closer relationship and she came to see that I was consistent, stable, and not trying to push her into anything, I began to see a different side of her. She became more pleasant, more agreeble, less abrasive. Our relationship slowly got better and better. It did take at least 10 years for this to happen though. During the past 5 years her health has deteriorated more and more, so I'm glad that I began to establish a good relationship with her prior to the onset of the really bad problems. I totally advise adult children to try to build up a good rapport with an elderly parent PRIOR to the onset of health issues. It's too late to do it when the parent is already felled down. Believe me, my mother and I are not on the same wave length on many matters and she can be tough to take at times: controlling, high-maintenance, etc. just like the other bloggers describe. But the rewards that I've gotten in sticking with her and learning how to make our relationship better and make it in a team not adversaries are priceless. I have gotten some very loving notes from her in recent years that have erased some of the painful moments of the past. I have come to learn who she really is as a person rather than just seeing her as the ogre parent. We've BOTH changed for the better. So what I'm saying is that a dreaded parent can evolve into a loved and admired one, given the time and energy. Of course I sympathize with adult children who have their own families and can't take the time that I took with their parent. I won't criticize someone in that boat. However, in the case of my sister, even though she has a family and I don't, I think it still behooves her to help out to the degree that she can. I don't expect her to put the time into our Mom that I am, but I do expect some level of help, and yet I don't get any help at all. That's not right either.
Some very interesting recent comments, raising two questions that jump out at me.
1. First, the "selfishness" question. Isn't this very struggle exactly why everyone here has spent time searching out resources, agonizing over what to do in difficult (even wrenching) circumstances? If I make no other point, I want to make this one: this is an area in which there are no perfectly right or totally wrong choices; this is a classic gray-area situation. I don't think anyone here is considering the option of leaving an elderly parent out in the cold, among the wolves. Rather, we are faced with what seem to be impossible demands, and we wonder how much our elderly parent wants from us, and how much s/he actually needs, as balanced against how much it will cost us to give her everything she wants, etc. We wonder whether we get to consider our own needs and wants, at all; how much pain (and I am talking about situations that are unusually painful, involving parents who are narcissistic, critical, highly demanding, sometimes outright abusive) must we take on, to preserve our own self-respect?
If the elderly parent is able (cognitively and financially) to meet her own needs, then anything more we do for her is, in a sense, "extra." And if she is no longer able to meet her own real needs, I think we'd all agree that any adult child has an obligation to do whatever possible to make that happen. And then, again, once the elderly parent's basic needs are being met, anything more could be considered "extra."
2. Second, the concept of, and hope for, a "Happy Ending." It is true that in some cases, an adult child who cares for an elderly parent, one who has always been "difficult," finds that, over time, the relationship improves. Sometimes there is something like a happy ending, as from a "Lifetime" movie. But not always! Most elderly people keep the same personality they have always had, as they age and become demented.
And it is NOT a good idea to develop an expectation that things will turn better, during our caretaking months or years, NOR to think that those who DO end up with an improved relationship with their elderly parents have done something right, whereas possibly we have done something wrong.
In my case I feel that it is my duty according to my faith and as a daughter to provide help not just with physical tasks like grocery shopping or home maintenance but with psychological, emotional, and spiritual needs. Sure, she might be difficult at times, and sure, it is tough coping with everything on my plate. And yes, I have put my life on hold because of the demands in my life. I'm not making any statements about anyone else's situation, only mine. I feel that my parent's difficult personality was largely a result of many difficulties and tragedies in her life and I've learned to love and accept her regardless of her shortcomings--as I hope that someone would love and accept me despite mine. That's what "family" means to me--sticking together despite problems. For many years I wasn't the greatest daughter either. I had an addiction problem and was surly and disrespectful towards her but I resolved this and I've changed into a better person, and she's changed too. My situation may be an exception rather than the rule, but I truly believe that good intentions regarding our parent's welfare will ultimately bring a good end in some respect or another. I would rather try to treat my parent with love and kindness even though it means grappling with difficulties and ultimately feel that I did my best by her than having extra free time to go out to see a stupid movie or spend more time at my job developing a "career". I would rather spend 10 minutes with my difficult parent than go on a 100 weekend get aways. Someday when she is gone I will miss her terribly. I'm just trying to put it out there to some of the people on this blog who have difficult parents that it's worth trying to remake your relationship with them.
To the commenter just above: first of all, I do applaud you for the care, love, and attention that you are giving your elderly mother.
I also think a point that needs to be re-emphasized here is this: In my blog post, I used the term "difficult" as something of a euphemism for personality characteristics that go way above and beyond what might present mild, or even moderate difficulties to the care-giving family member. Many elderly people (perhaps most elderly people) can be irritable and cranky, and they can be needy, of course, because there is less they can do for themselves, they are often in pain, they may be lonely, and it's just plain tough, getting old.
My blog post was directed toward those of us who have an elderly parent who is, to a fairly extreme degree, unable to engage in reasonably workable relationships with others. I am talking about some really serious narcissism, and extreme demands, often coupled with outright cruelty.
Of course, nobody can accurately assess, much less solve, anybody else's situation, especially in this blog format. Suffice it to say that, with some elderly parents, there is really no "remaking" of the relationship. I think that most of those who have commented on this blog have already tried that, repeatedly.
And, as you point out, "family" does indeed mean "sticking together despite problems," and I have certainly found that to be true. Blood is thicker than water. Those truths have an impact on nearly all of us. But for some people, "sticking together" with someone who is a genuinely destructive human being can carry a ridiculously high price, and without a corresponding and commensurate benefit to the elderly parent.
The question is rarely one of "do I help him/her out, or not?" but, rather, more along the lines of: How much must I give, and how often, to someone whose demands are totally unreasonable?
If you truly "would rather spend 10 minutes with [your] difficult parent than go on a 100 weekend getaways," then I suspect that your elderly parent does not have the kind of toxic qualities that I was talking about in my blog post.
I now understand what you are saying. Apparently I did not read the blog carefully enough to determine what your definition of "difficult" is. I was originally searching for a blog to vent about my caregiving issues but my parent doesn't fit the description you talk about. My parent is difficult but in a moderate sense, and she is definitely not abusive. I wish you luck and will find another post to blog on.
You know, you are absolutely right. People who are using search engines with the terms "difficult" and "elderly parent" often land on this site, and it isn't necessarily as clear as it could be that I am talking about the fact that "difficult" is sometimes one of those terms that is used in clinical settings (or in polite company) to refer to people who have always been manipulative, abusive, and extremely narcissistic. It's not considered nice, or OK, for a person to say that her elderly mother is pretty much a psychopath, so we say that she is, hmmm.... "difficult."
I refer in part to Delany's post above, dated January 11th. Having gone through the ordeal of looking after and managing my elderly mother, I agree that people, or most people, don't change just because they are older. Getting old is definitely a precursor for illness and other pain which may lead to people feeling more irritable. But in general, if a person has been difficult and/or self centered all their life then they'll still be like that in old age, even on the 'good' days. I recall during the early stages of managing my Mom, a care Nurse told me that old people become more self centered because they are only interested in their own survival - she was trying to also tell me something. One important thing I learned was that they don't change and it's you (YOU) who has to learn how to manage your own feelings when managing them. It's unlikely you'll be able to change them. But that can be a difficult process. Even now, after several years, I feel guilty when I can't go see her because of my own schedule and family, and even little pleasures in life such as going out to dinner with my husband - I shouldn't feel guilty but I do because I still have issues around managing my own feelings toward her and dealing with her vindictiveness, and I will need extra help with this.
Secondly, the 'selfishness' issue... In my opinion, no-one has the right to judge others and negatively criticize others for decisions they make around managing their elderly parent/s. Everyone's situation is different - very different.
And if you're reading this and; (1) in a position of having (or having had) your own children, think about why - would you selfishly expect them to look after you in old age?; and, (2), if you are reading this and you are still working and relatively young, for God's sake, put your money away for old age so you don't unnecessarily burden your own family when you get to that point in life - getting old is not only painful but expensive and commercialized!
Finally, if you're reading this and haven't yet had to deal with caring for your parents, then read the initial post and all the comments to help you to understand what you will/may have to face oneday and start planning now. It's real!
Thanks again, Delany.
I am dealing with an 83 year toddler- my mother- at least that's what it feels like most of the time. Tantrums, hissy fits etc to get her own way. As an only child, she was spoiled big time and will do anything to get others to do her bidding. Lately, she has run up against a brick wall- me-- because I have quit enabling her bad behavior.
My therapist has encouraged me to look at her bad behavior as I would a small child having a tantrum in the grocery store- ignore, don't reward. She also says, and I have adopted this as my mantra, that the reason teenagers and old folks behave so badly is so that they won't be missed when they're gone.
Nonethless, I feel, as do most of us, a certain sense of responsibilty to do what's right and decent, but where are the reasonable limits? At what point does the price of allowing Mom's wishes take precedence over mine become too high a price to pay? I want out.
To the poster who says 'I want out'. Only you have the capacity to get out and 'get out' to the degree you want out. You need to consider your current situation and determine how much care you will continue to provide, if any. I disagree with your Therapist in regards to missing your relative/s less if they've behaved badly. 'They' probably don't even know they are behaving badly, it is the way in which you are intrepreting and dealing with their behavior.
It's a tough job when the decision is yours, but only you can make and take it. You will probably be a stronger person for doing so - I am.
I don't know where to begin. If someone searched my computer and looked at all the searches I have conducted over the last two years to help me find answers to figure out my 81-year old mother's behavior; I would probably be locked up.
So tonight I search "elderly people who act like 2 year olds" and "difficult elderly people." And I ended up on this site.
My mother has sucked the life out of me and my two sisters for two years non-stop. She lies, critisizes, manipulates, fakes illnesses and fakes falls, and on and on and on. She listens to no one.
She pits the three of us against each other. She calls distant relatives and tells them she needs help -- and that we (her daughters) do nothing for her. On New Year's eve she called a nephew and a second cousin to come and help her because she fell. When they arrived she was fine, sitting on the couch.
She has managed to drive away almost all of her friends (which she only ever had a handful) and doesn't know her neighbors of 30 years (and doesn't want to know them.) She has never been a warm person.
I would say she has always been self-centered.
She wants one of the three of us to be with her 24/7 but critisizes and degrades nonstop. She creates chaos in her life everyday -- and thus in our lives.
We put her in a very lovely assisted living and she went on a hunger strike and lost about 25 pounds. My sister who lives the closest to her broke down from exhaustion and let my mother return to the house (it was just a matter of time I think before they kicked her out anyway). We hired a caregiver (who has since quit).
I live 2 hours from her. One sister lives 10 hours from her. One sister lives 1/2 hour from her. But, distance means nothing to her. Nothing. She will ask my sister who lives the farthest away, "when are you coming over." She may have just left a few days before. My mother knows that she is 10 hours away. She does. She just wants to badger.
I have 10 unbelievable stores a week (maybe 10 a day) that I could write about about her antics.
The most recent is this: my sister who lives 10 hours away, began to feel guilt (mind you she drove to my mother's house with her 3 little kids a month ago) so she got an airline ticket for my mother to come to her house for a week.
I drove down to get mom and bring her to the airport by my house (a 4-hr round trip). While getting ready, she fakes a fall to get my attention (because I was working on the computer) and won't let me help her up. She lays on the floor flat on her back, fully dressed. I told her that she needs to get up or she can't go on the airplane. She says "I can help myself up, I always do, when you're not here."
At any rate, she gets up, we drive to the airport. We arrive 2 hours early. I get an escort pass so I can take her to the gate. We go to Friday's for lunch at the airport. She is mad because the glass is plastic and too big. She drops it (on purpose). She does things like this all the time, loves the attention!!!!! Then she refuses to hurry and get in the wheel chair to get to the flight.
I know someone out there will say "poor lady," No, you don't understand. She 100% knows what she is doing.
Now, after two days at my sisters, she has critisized her and her children to the point that my sister is in tears and leaves just to get out of the house. My mother climbs down outside steps (she knows better) and sits out on the deck and sulks.
Trust be, she has had every test known to man. We should have listened 15 years ago when the doctor looked my sister straight in the eye and said, "There is nothing physically wrong with your mother." He was right. It is all mental.
And she is sucking the life out of each of us.
My mother is 93 and more and more wants everything done for her... to the point of being transferred from bed to wheelchair even though she is physically able to walk.
Considering that in some respects the behaviour of many of the above posts is similiar to a spoiled, bratty kid that knows what is going on ... and takes advantage of it .. if you have a first grader that acted like this what would you do?
Let them sulk, let them whine.... let them choose their path.... if they want something.. then that is the breaks.
I had to re-read some of the comments on this post. It's so sad that we all have to come to this! Or is it really our destiny.
Humanity spends its youth ruining their old age. Apparently in doing so, we take down as many as we can with us.
My father in this last stage of his life is going, but he's going fighting. I'm sure I'll only remember the good times at some point.
What seems to be missing is resources to help cope.
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