Image by Rubira via FlickrBecoming the Enemy: My mother has always believed that people are cheating her and stealing from her. She has created many, many problems over the years by accusing people of stealing or cheating, refusing to pay people for work they have done for her, refusing to let people in her house because they might take her stuff, not letting her dog stay outside in the (fenced) yard for very long, because she thinks someone might steal him (and, as a result, he often urinated in her house). This kind of relating to the world and to other people is called Paranoid Personality Disorder. It does not respond well to any known form of treatment; that is partly because people with this problem do not think that there is anything wrong with them. Sometimes it is difficult to distinguish Paranoid Personality Disorder from full-blown Delusional Disorder, and sometimes a person can fluctuate, back and forth, from the more severe version to the relatively milder version.
Paranoia overlaps quite a bit with narcissism. It's a way of thinking that is very self-referential; a person who is paranoid tends to think that everything is about her. She thinks that everyone is talking about her, or plotting against her, or she thinks that everyone wants whatever it is that she has. And it is really impossible to persuade or argue people out of their paranoid ideas; they can always find a way to support their accusations and beliefs. Sometimes they will simply fabricate, or confabulate, supporting evidence; they are not really consciously lying, but rather their minds are trying to create consistency. For example, my mother came to believe that her next door neighbor (who is a very, very nice man, someone who has over the years helped her in many ways) threw a tree branch over the fence into her back yard. In fact, the branch came down from her own huge elm tree during a big storm. She called the police about it. She called the police more than once about it. They sent officers out, and eventually one of them helped her to move the limb from her yard. She now believes not only that her neighbor maliciously threw the limb into her yard, but that the police asked her to call them about the neighbor, and that they told her that the neighbor is "a jerk," and "a problem."
Now that my mother is in a skilled nursing facility, she believes that I am the enemy, and that I am stealing her money. Yesterday, she said that she had "heard" that I have been "writing checks" on her. She knows, or knew at one time, that I have been paying her bills and taking care of her house and her dog. But now she seems to think that I am writing checks for my own benefit. It seems likely that I will have to petition the court to be appointed her guardian, because she just does not seem capable of understanding her medical condition(s) or complying with treatment. When and if I do have to pursue guardianship, that will make me "the enemy," in her eyes, forever. This is so, so very painful.
5 comments:
Delany, my mum has a similar situation going on with her own mother, who is now in her late eighties. Reading your post I suddenly felt like calling her up and just having a chat, but I can't, because I'm in Germany and she's out in the bush in Australia. I've always seen Grandma as more than slightly unhinged, and felt quite distant from the situation, except when it threatened to turn Mum's relationship with me toxic.
Mum deliberately took absolutely nothing from the house when she moved Grandma into the nursing home, but always ends up enduring wild accusations as to where this or that went. This is a mild and relatively harmless example of her general behaviour.
As far as I can tell, Grandma has always been fractionally loopy; a fact that was confirmed last year when I met up with her brother, my great-uncle, whom she'd succeeded in completely alienating many years earlier. I saw that meeting as really important and was expecting Mum to be somehow liberated my the fact that Grandma had always been like that, but the crazier Grandma gets, the sadder I see Mum feel. It seems to be an all-or-nothing package. She can't simultaneously treasure the rare glimpses of genuine affection her mother has shown her, and ignore all the devastating and wrong things that she has been through thanks to Grandma's (undiagnosed) disease.
I love my Mum. I can't stand the fact that she can't see how wonderful she is, largely because her own mother won't and can't confirm it. But she is one of the coolest people I know. You've really reminded me of that with your post. I'm going to call her in the morning. Thanks.
Thanks, Anon. It is a very sad fact of human existence, isn't it, that there are a lot of very difficult people in this world, people who create suffering both for themselves, and for others. The challenge, if you love such a person (and it seems impossible, sometimes), is to work hard to maintain a sense of the larger picture, and not to allow yourself to become so totally caught up in the drama (and chaos and sadness and regret and anger) that all of life gets tainted by it. I hope your mother finds a way to get some space, and that you and she can have some peace.
Best wishes,
Delany
I lived through a very similar situation with my own mother, and empathize with you. I will tell you that a few weeks before my mother died, I visited her in the healthcare facility where she was living, and for the first time in many, many years, she had about 30 minutes of clarity, and interacted with me in a loving, rational manner. I cannot explain it, except to say it was a great and unexpected gift. I hope you might have some such moment, too.
Beth, I am glad to hear that there was that brief but very important opportunity for a good interaction with your mother. Like you said, a great gift. All of us in this situation (and there are many of us, I know) hope for such a thing!
Best wishes,
Delany
Post a Comment