Timothy Noah, on those defective Protestants

Here is an excerpt from Timothy Noah's wonderful satirical piece in Slate Magazine (yesterday) about the Pope's most recent announcement. It is written in the form of a "Product Recall Notice" issued by the Vatican; he names the many Protestant and Orthodox churches and denominations, and describes them as having been "recalled" by the Vatican as "defective" and then describes their manufacturer and the problems that have been found with the various "products":


Name of Products: African Methodist Episcopal (A.M.E.), Amish, Anabaptist, Anglican, Baptist, Calvinist, Christian Science, Congregationalist, Episcopalian, Evangelical, Fundamentalist, Jehovah's Witness, Lutheran, Mennonite, Methodist, …(frequently labeled "Protestant"). ... Albanian Orthodox, Bulgarian Orthodox, Coptic Orthodox, Czech Orthodox, Cypriot Orthodox, Greek Orthodox, …(frequently labeled "Eastern" or "Oriental" Orthodox).

Manufacturer: The devil (listed on the New York Stock Exchange as "Angel of the Bottomless Pit," "Beelzebub," "Belial," "Dark Prince," "Evil One," "Fallen Angel," "Foul Fiend," "His Infernal Majesty," "Lucifer," "Mephistopheles," "Mr. Applegate," "Mr. Scratch," "Prince of Darkness," "Satan," and "Tempter").

Hazard: Can fail to achieve salvation on contact.

Incidents/Injuries: Widespread reports of salvific malfunction and consequent exclusion from the Kingdom of Heaven. Users complain of being rerouted to Purgatory and in a few instances to the Fiery Pit.

Remedy: Consumers should desist adherence to the abovementioned sects, now proven unreliable, and transmit their souls to the Catholic Church of Rome™. United States residents may use this Catholic Church locator. For those who are already deceased, and therefore ineligible for salvation, the Church has commenced discussions about reopening Limbo, which the Vatican decommissioned in April.

Timothy Noah is a senior writer at Slate.Article URL: http://www.slate.com/id/2170248/
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